


There's No One Like You

by dailyviewontheworld



Category: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23020963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dailyviewontheworld/pseuds/dailyviewontheworld
Summary: Peter and Lara Jean are attending separate colleges when a traumatic event causes them to break up.  This is the story of the road back to each other through angst, drama, and life's obstacles.  The story has 5 parts but multiple chapters within each part.  The 5 parts are the 5 stages of forgiveness, which you will see the characters go through.  The stages are noted in the chapter titlesIt ended up being a lot more intense than I planned but it was how the story wanted to be told.  I read through it three times and hope I found all the mistakes but I apologize if any are remaining.  I haven't written anything in quite some time so hopefully all the rust was knocked off!  I do switch between Peter & Lara Jean's perspectives throughout the story, I've tried to note this with Lara Jean's POV in regular typeface and Peter's in italics, but I apologize if it isn't fully clear in some spots.  I wanted this to be more of story told in the world versus from one point of view if that makes sense.I don't own these characters, they are the property of Jenny Han and the movie.
Relationships: Peter Kavinsky & Lara Jean Song-Covey
Comments: 39
Kudos: 114





	1. Reunited, Stage 1-Name It

“Largie?”

She almost dropped the top to her coffee mug. She hadn’t heard that nickname in 4.5 years. She slowly turned around and there he stood, Gabe Rivera. Blast from the past. She had only been here 2 hours and somehow she managed to run into one of the two people she was hoping to avoid.

“Hi.” What else could she say? She was hoping to keep her presence here a secret since this was the exact encounter she wanted to put off for as long as possible. At least…

“PK! You’ll never guess who I found!” No, no no. She looked for the nearest exit to bolt through when suddenly she caught sight of those brown curls and strong frame.

Shit. Her heart dropped and so did her coffee cup, splashing her legs and his with hot coffee. “Shit! I’m so sorry! Oh my goodness, let me grab some napkins.” She turned around and quickly grabbed a handful and started wiping off his shoes and pant legs.

“It’s ok, don’t worry about it.” His flat voice came out, cautiously reaching a hand out to pull her up. She lightly placed her hand in his, her heart leaping at his touch and she instantly scolded herself internally for feeling that way. “Thanks. I’m really sorry. Let me give you some money to get them cleaned.”

Peter chuckled, “No, it’s fine. My mom will appreciate the extra visit home.” He dropped her hand and backed away. Lara Jean noticed he flexed it a few times before hanging it back at his side.

“Well, it was great to see you guys. I really have to run though, I am already late and now need to run home to change.”

During all of this, Gabe just stood there looking back and forth between the two of them before blurting out, “It was so good to see you! It’s been forever. We are having a party tonight, you could come!” Peter whipped his head around at Gabe and gave him a look like “Dude what are you doing?” Gabe just smiled and wrapped Lara Jean up in a hug.

“It’s been way too long Largie.” He walked out of the coffee shop leaving Peter and Lara Jean awkwardly standing there.

“So, what are you doing here?” Peter’s voice had an emotion in it Lara Jean couldn’t quite place. His face was blank but she could see the past 4.5 years sitting just behind his gaze. He always did have such expressive eyes. Her stomach flip flopped at the memory of all the words that were said and left unsaid between them on that terrible night 4.5 years ago.

“Ummm, well I’m a student here now. I got accepted to UVA as a grad student.” It hung in the air and they both just stared at each other. She peeked at her watch, “Damn I really need to go. I’m really late for orientation. I’m going to miss it all.”

Peter just stood transfixed but this seemed to snap him out of it. “Are you still not driving?” The question came out with his old humorous tilt to it but didn’t quite reach his eyes. She saw the hurt there. She hadn’t told him she was coming here. He knew her plan was to hopefully just avoid him altogether.

“Ummm, well kind of but not really. I only live a few blocks away so walking, or in my case running at this point, is more convenient.”

He sighed and looked at Gabe patiently waiting outside the door, glancing their way every so often but politely giving them space. “I can give you a lift back to your place and then to orientation if you need me too. My Jeep is right outside.”

Lara Jean froze, the Jeep, so many memories in that Jeep, mostly good but some not so great ones either. “Ok,” she says meekly, following him outside. Peter approached Gabe, “We are giving Lara Jean a quick lift to her place and Old Main before we head back to the house.” Gabe threw his hand up for a high-five to Lara Jean, which she weakly returned. He went to hop in the back seat and both she and Peter said, “No!” at the same time. Lara Jean quickly reassured Gabe she was fine sitting in the backseat and quickly clambered in, buckling up. 

She was immediately hit with a memory of one of the first times she entered Peter Kavinsky’s car and Kitty occupied this very seat. That seemed like a lifetime ago, so much had happened in between that day and today. The fake dating, the real dating, breaking up, getting back together, packing it up to move Peter to UVA, the long drives between UNC and UVA, and that last night. Lara Jean quickly shut her brain off before those memories could flood in.

She realized Peter and Gabe were looking at her, waiting for directions from her. “Oh yeah, that’s right. I live on Oakwood Ave, it’s a giant yellow house on the left.” Gabe laughed out loud, “No way! We are neighbors! Remember when we were talking about that moving truck yesterday PK! I guess our wish of hot girls moving in next door came true! Wait, you got roommates Largie?”

Peter let out a sigh and Lara Jean knew he did not share Gabe’s excitement. As he pulled into her driveway she glanced at his profile and saw his jaw was tight and eyes focused forward. He was clearly uncomfortable with her living next door, but in reality it should be her who was uncomfortable. She scrambled for a way to make it less awkward. “Well my program is really intensive so I will probably never be home. Thanks for the ride!” She started to hop out when she heard Peter and Gabe having a heated debate. “Dude, don’t you dare, just ride back with us.” “PK you are a college graduate, just drive the girl back to orientation. You will survive.” “Don’t you dare get out of this car.” “PK, you dated her for years, you can be around her for a few minutes.” “That’s exactly why…” Lara Jean cut them off, “You don’t have to give me a ride back, I can hop on my bike.” She got out and started walking up to the front porch when Gabe caught up with her. “Hey Largie, you aren’t riding your bike. Let me just grab my car keys, I’ll give you a ride back.” She saw Peter just sitting in the driveway staring at her. How had it come to this? Where did they go wrong? “Thanks Gabe. Let me just go change into some other pants.”

Gabe turned and motioned for Peter to head home and he crossed the lawn and ran into the house to get his keys. By the time he was back from his room, Peter was inside and fuming.

“What the fuck Gabe? Why do you have to be such a dumbass? She doesn’t want to be in a car with me!!! You remember that night! You know what happened between us. How could you do that to her? Lara Jean doesn’t need to ever see my face again after what I did to her.” Before Gabe could say anything, Peter stomped upstairs and slammed his door. He walked out of the house and saw LJ sitting on the front porch, clearly having heard every word Peter just bellowed about 20 feet away. Oh boy, this was going to be an interesting summer.


	2. Reminiscing, Stage 1-Name It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The slow burn continues. I enjoy drama and suspense so there is plenty in this story. Just to ease your minds, Peter & Lara Jean are endgame, it will just take a bit to get there. We dive just a little deeper into what pulled them apart.

Gabe and Lara Jean hopped into his car and he could see she was close to tears. He knew orientation was the last place she needed to be. He had never been that close to Lara Jean when they were in high school but knew her well enough to drive her to the one place her mood needed. As he ventured further from campus, her head picked up and she turned to him, “Gabe! I need to get to orientation! They are giving a tour of the campus today!” “C’mon Largie, if you are anything like you were in high school, you’ve already mapped out the entire campus and probably walked it at least once.” He gave her a side-long glance as he started navigating streets Lara Jean recognized. She sighed and nodded her head, “You’re right, but what if they give some tidbit of valuable information that I miss out on and don’t know a secret short cut or where the best study rooms are?” She was grasping at straws, trying to do anything to distract herself from that disaster of a reunion with Peter. Gabe laughed out loud, “Well good thing you live next to two Alumni, also now grad students at UVA. We will show you all the secret coves.” He said that last sentence with a wink and it caused a little giggle to erupt out of her, distracting her for a second.

Gabe pulled up in front of the Corner Café and Lara Jean let out a sigh of relief, not realizing that was exactly what she needed. Gabe hopped out of the car and beckoned her inside, as it dawned on him that this was the most one-on-one time they had ever had sine Kavinski started dating her back in high school but he knew she needed someone right now. With Chris out of the country and Lucas gone for the weekend, Gabe was all she had. He started to sit down into a booth when she exclaimed, “Not that one!” and he realized he had accidentally picked the “Covinsky” booth. She slid onto a chair at a table in the back corner, as far from the booth and counter as possible. He slipped into the chair across from her and studied her face for a moment. He saw the last 4.5 years clearly displayed, the hurt and pain, the changes she had clearly gone through, and the same innocence she always carried with her.

“Ok Largie, let’s talk. I know you heard us in the house so you realize that Peter 100% blames himself for that night but-“ Lara Jean cuts him off with a look of venom, “And exactly what should I be blamed for?” She was staring him down with an intensity that he didn’t remember ever coming from her before.

“Well, I mean I know what he did was the shittiest thing he could do at that point but you had to understand the mental state he was in. He had just-“ 

“Oh my god. If I have to hear that shitty excuse one more time, I am going to scream. I get it, his life had just ended but I was still there. Tell me why that didn’t count for anything?” Tears were threatening to overflow and it was at that exact moment that the waitress came over. She took their order, gave them a hesitant glance to make sure everything was ok, and walked away.

Gabe didn’t miss a beat. “I know Lara Jean. He should have seen that, but he couldn’t see two minutes into the future then. Everything, except you I know, had been taken from him. He didn’t handle it well. I can’t tell you what the next few months were like being around him, watching him self-implode. You were his watchstone, the one that kept him grounded, and without you he went off the rails. Hard.”

Lara Jean knew this, she watched it all on Instagram 4 hours away. She knew the posts were partially to hurt her further, he was lashing out at the one thing that was left from before, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell to watch him destroy every part of his life. She was glad to see that he at least salvaged his education in the 4.5 years that followed. She knows it was probably mostly due to Gabe and that hurt her even more. It should have been her to put him back together but he made sure she wasn’t around for that.

They ate in silence for the rest of the time there. “Well I need to get back to get started on party prep. I am sure it is so beyond believable that you would come tonight but you should, it would be a great way to meet your future classmates. There will be so many people there, you won’t even have to see Kavinsky.” He looked so hopeful. She realized that after they split up, she didn’t just lose Peter, she lost the whole world she had been a part of for those two years. “I’ll think about it, but no promises.”

Gabe paid for the meal, telling her he owed her since he ruined her day. He drove her back to their houses, parking in his driveway and turning to her. “Listen, I don’t know if anything can ever be salvaged between you and Kavinsky but I’m hopeful. Setting the idea of dating again aside, you two made each other better and were great friends. Just something to think about. I had a good time with you today Largie. I hope to see you around, come over tonight if you are up for it!”

She looked at him for a minute, never really having seen this side of Gabe. He just always seemed like a party animal. “Thanks but I don’t know that we belong in each other’s lives anymore. It’s been so long, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I’ll see what happens tonight but it probably isn’t going to include your party. Thanks for the ride and lunch.” 

With that Lara Jean stepped out of his car and walked back to her house. The hair on the back of her neck prickled and she glanced over her shoulder and saw Peter glancing out a 2nd story window at her but quickly disappeared behind a curtain when he saw her look his way. Her stomach flip-flopped, but she quickly shut that down. Her body didn’t seem to get the memo that Peter Kavinsky didn’t have a right to those feelings from her ever again. What he did was unforgivable and she deserved better.


	3. The Slightest Shift, Stage 2-Immerse Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very slight shift in Lara Jean's mood toward Peter as the proximity of living next door chips away at her anger and resentment toward him from the past 4.5 years. Slowly getting closer to the "big reveal"!

The music from the party was so loud that she wasn’t going to get anything else done anyway so she put on something fancier than her pajamas and headed over. It wasn’t until she was almost there that she realized she had inadvertently put on a pair of black combat boots, similar to the ones she had been wearing all those years ago and turned to go back. “LARGIE!” A very drunk Gabe saw her and came running toward her. They had beer pong set up, which didn’t surprise her, and a keg on the front porch. Thankfully Peter was nowhere to be seen but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t show up at the most inopportune moment. Gabe handed her a cup of beer and she happily drained it. Gabe cheered her on and handed her another one. She took this one a little slower and checked out all the students gathered here. It was a massive party but she wasn’t surprised, he always knew how to throw a good one.

After a little bit of time and watching too many games of beer pong she wandered into the house looking for the bathroom. Once she did her business, she was stepping out when she tripped onto a rug and into the arms of the one and only Peter Kavinsky. He was in sweats and looked like he just came back from a run. It was 10:00 PM, what the hell? “Sorry. I tripped on that rug.” She could hear the slight slur in her voice; she had quite a few beers at this point. Peter helped her stand up right, leaving his hands to linger on her arms for a second too long but snapped out of it and removed his hands very quickly. “Not a problem, that rug gets everyone.”

Turning to walk away, he glanced back at her with concern. “Are you ok? Can you make it home ok?” Lara Jean let out a snort and quickly turned beet red. “It’s about 20 feet that way, I’ll be fine. Thanks.” She turned to go when she heard him quietly say, “I never meant to hurt you that way. I have regretted that night every second for the past 4.5 years.” It was so quiet she thought at first she imagined it but when she turned she saw his eyes. The same eyes she used to gaze into dreaming of their future, the same eyes that had expressed so much love toward her, were the same eyes that mocked her that night and that was how she would always remember them. That memory fueled her next words, harsher than normal due to the beer. “Well, it happened and although life went on, it’s all I can think of when I’m around you. We used to talk about not breaking each other’s hearts and I almost wish that was all you had done Peter. It would have been better than you completely shattering me. I almost dropped out of school! Did you know that? I laid in bed for weeks. It’s been 4. 5 years and I can still barely look at you.” With that she spun on her heel and tried to walk out with dignity but swayed a little bit. The last flash in her eyes was Peter standing there with a Kombucha bottle halfway to his mouth and tears in his eyes. Wait. Kombucha? She stopped and turned back around.

“Why the hell are you drinking Kombucha at your own house party for? You aren’t driving!” She stood with her hands on her hips, hair silhouetting her face, and Peter had to remember to breathe. She was stunning. He glanced at the bottle and back at her. “I haven’t had a drink for 4 years. It took everything from me so I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore.” With that he turned and walked upstairs leaving Lara Jean with her mouth hanging open.

She walked outside to find Gabe to tell him she was leaving. “It’s still so early! Don’t go!" He sighed heavily, "You saw Peter didn’t you.” Lara Jean started to protest, lying that she was tired but he called her out, “You have that look. Although it has more hate than love in it now, you still get that ‘Peter’ face. Let me walk you home.” Lara Jean laughed, “Gabe, I can see my door from here.” He shushed her, threw the ping-pong ball with insane accuracy right into the last cup and put his arm around her shoulder. It took about 2 minutes to cross the lawn and get to her front porch. He steered her over to the swing on the porch and sat down with her.

“So, what happened?” He had his arm around her and she felt herself leaning in to him. “I ran into Peter, literally. I tripped on your stupid rug outside the bathroom and he caught me.” Gabe laughed, “Yeah our roommate Trevor, remember him? He put it there as a plan to ‘catch’ girls at parties. He is so lame. He is still so hung up on Chris.”

“Oh Trevor! I can’t wait to see him again,” Lara Jean got excited until she realized she didn’t plan to hang out at their house for any length of time. “Well after that Peter apologized and I am drunk so I didn’t handle it well. I'm just, I’m sick of hearing him apologize because there is nothing he can say to make up for it. I will never forgive him for that night.” She sat silently for a minute and said, “Is it true he doesn’t drink anymore?”

Gabe sighed and shook his head. “Yep. It was a few months after that night. Trevor was barely speaking to him and I had just started to really hang out with him again. It was the last major time he partied and on the way home he broke down. I think the constant string of parties before that were to keep his mind in a haze but he had finally reached his limit. Everything came pouring out of him, mostly about you and that night at my house obviously, but after that he refused to show up for parties, wouldn’t drink, and hardly comes down now even if just a few guys come over for a game. He said it ruined his life so he was done.” 

“Wow, I guess I’m impressed he did that.”

Gabe stared at her, gauging her reaction and he saw it. He saw the slightest shift in her eyes and knew this was a tiny step forward for them. He had always held out the hope they would find their way back to each other. He knew they belonged together, they had just had a lot of shitty circumstances get in their way. “Well I am going to head back, looks like the table is open again. You are always welcome at our place no matter what. I know Trevor will be excited to see you, I think he's getting in tomorrow. It’s so good to have you back in our lives Largie.” He gave her a squeeze and headed back to the table. As he walked, he saw the curtains shift upstairs and knew the window was open. He hoped Peter had been listening. ‘Ball is in your court buddy’ he thought as he grabbed the Ping-Pong ball.

Late that night, Lara Jean found herself unable to sleep and wandered down to the porch to sit with a cup of Night-Night tea. Summer nights in Virginia were beautiful, warm and inviting, and she loved just listening to the city. As she sat down on the swing, she tried to calm her mind down. Her thoughts were spinning from past to present, entwining all the events of the past day with the events of that night 4.5 years ago. Flashes hit her so hard she was crying before she knew it. As she settled in, she heard a chair creak and her head snapped to the left. Illogically murderer was her first thought, but she saw a large silhouette trying to sneak back into the house next door.

“Peter?” Her voice responded before her brain could stop her. She saw the figure stop and glance over at her. “Sorry, I wasn’t-I mean I’m not-“ she heard him sigh. “Shit. I couldn’t sleep and came out here but I’ll go back in and let you be.” Lara Jean saw the slump to his shoulders, he didn’t carry himself with the same confidence he used to and something in her heart pulled, betraying what her brain was screaming at her-‘Let him go! He doesn’t deserve you!’ but she couldn’t, she needed closure. She didn’t realize it until she saw him that morning in the coffee shop.

“It’s ok. Ummm, do you want to come sit?” She saw his head snap up and look at her. “No, I don’t want to interrupt your night.”

“Peter, it is 3 AM. Clearly my night isn’t going well. It’s fine.” As he slowly walked over, she saw him hesitate at the stairs and then step up each one slowly. The swing groaned as his large frame sat down beside her. She slid over slightly to give him more room but he must have interpreted it as her wanting to be away from him.

“This was a mistake, I’m sorry.” He went to stand up and she gently placed a hand on his arm. “No. Stay.” As she readjusted, she saw a mug in his hands. “What are you drinking?”

Even in the dim porch light, she saw him blush. “Night-Night tea. Kitty taught me how to make it a while ago when I mentioned that I couldn’t sleep. I drink it almost every night now.” He didn’t look at her as he said it but she could see him holding his breath.

“Kitty?” Her sister never mentioned that she kept in touch with Peter. Kitty was happily studying at NYU, drama of course, and had found her calling.

“Uh, yeah, it’s not important.” 

Lara Jean didn’t push, she really didn’t care about Peter’s life, she was just being a kind neighbor or at least that’s what she told herself. She quietly sipped her tea as he sat silently next to her.

“Can-umm-I mean-Do you think-ugh.” He ran his hands over his face. “Lara Jean, I have so much I need to say to you but I have no idea where to start. I don’t even know if I have a right to speak to you but this has all been building up inside of me for 4.5 years and I was coping, dealing with it just fine until this morning. Seeing you brought it all to the surface and I feel like I am going to break apart if I don’t get it out. Is there anyway you would be willing to at least listen to what I have to say? I don’t need forgiveness or anything like that, I don’t deserve it, but I just need to say it all.” It all came out in a rush and he had tears in his eyes. Lara Jean did too and realized it was all a lie when she told herself she had moved past it and didn’t need closure. The past 4.5 years was eclipsed by that night and she knew after seeing him again that it would have to be settled.

“Ok. I mean not now, I am exhausted, but yes, sometime. I will try to talk with you about it.”

He glanced at her and sighed a huge sigh. He drained his cup and turned to her. “Ok, well you let me know when you are ready and we can talk.” 

Lara Jean looked into those eyes and again she was blown away by how different they were. The spark that had always made him so unique was gone; just dull brown stared back at her. “Sure.” She also finished her cup and stood up. Peter stood up too and started to walk away. 

Without thinking, Lara Jean reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. “Peter. For what it is worth, I am very proud of you. I always knew you were made for incredible things. No matter what happened between us, I know you are going to make an incredible….” It was then at that moment, she had no idea what he was going to school for.

“Family counselor. I realized with all the issues I had growing up that I was made to help others.” With that he turned and walked back to his house without glance backwards at her.

A smile crept onto her face and she could see it, she could see how easily he could comfort people and help put families back together. For the first time in years, she felt something other than blinding rage toward Peter Kavinsky.


	4. The Start of the End Part 1, Stage 2-Immerse Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It may seem like an incredible reunion but this is the beginning of the end.

Lara Jean woke up the next morning groggy and needing coffee immediately. She heard Jenna, her first roommate to arrive, moving around downstairs. As she came down the steps, she saw Jenna by the door with a familiar figure. “Uh, Lara Jean. There is a very cute boy here for you.” Lara Jean walked over to the door, “Hi Peter”. She hears Jenna’s intake of breath but doesn’t acknowledge it. “What’s up?” 

“Hey. I just wanted to drop this off but now I’m realizing this is a terrible idea, I honestly did it without thinking when I was ordering mine this morning after my run. I’m sorry.” He hastily handed something to her and headed back to his house. Lara Jean waited for him to leave and then looked at the object in his hand. It was a Caramel Latte with extra chocolate syrup, her favorite drink. She quickly stepped back inside, a very small smile breaking through and was met face on with Jenna’s curious glance.

“Wait, is that Peter who shall not be named Peter? He lives next door? He goes to school here? Am I finally going to learn why we don’t speak his name? You have to tell me everything! Let me grab a cup of coffee since I wasn’t delivered one by a hunk from my past at 7:30 AM.”

As Jenna headed back into the kitchen and before thinking, she picked up her phone to text a thank you to him and then realized she had deleted his number. She set it down, not sure why her heart was betraying her so quickly, and sipped the coffee. 

Jenna came back in, "Spill, NOW! How do you let a hunk like that go?" Sitting there drinking the coffee slowly relaxed her and broke through her mental walls she had put up since those days so long ago. The memories washed over her and she slipped into them.

Suddenly she wasn’t in her graduate house any longer, she was inside Peter’s Jeep 4.5 years earlier on her way for a glorious Halloween weekend at UVA with her boyfriend.

“Ok, I guess I’ll start at the beginning of the end.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Flashback: Halloween 4.5 years earlier

She saw him pull up and rushed down the stairs with her bag, screaming goodbye to her roommate Sara as she ran to see him. It had been 3 weeks, 21 days, 3 hours, 27 minutes, and 15 seconds to be exact, since she had seen Peter Kavinsky and one second longer was going to cause her early death. As she flew out of the door, she saw him rushing just as quickly to get to her even though he was parked in a no-parking zone.

“Covey!” She flung her bag as she jumped into his arms and smashed her lips to him. She felt his hands on her butt and then one slide up into her hair and all was right with the world again. As she slowly pulled away to breathe, she saw the huge smile light up his face. “I missed you so much.” He pulled her to him, gave her three quick pecks on her mouth and hugged her tight. She never wanted to leave his arms, but eventually she slide back down his body.

“C’mon, we better get moving if we don’t want to be late,” he murmured into her hair. “Oh good lord, you smell so good. This car ride is going to be torture.” She giggled and grabbed his hand. As they walked to his car, he bent down to pick up her bag and toss it in the back. They climbed into his Jeep and she saw he already had Yakults and baby carrots waiting for them.

“Just a quick stop on my way, did you know there is a Korean grocery in Harrisville? I googled it.” He looked so proud so she leaned over and gave him a huge kiss causing him to swerve slightly.

“Covey! Don’t make us crash!” he said but the huge smile on his face told her he liked it. As they drove, holding hands the whole time, she couldn’t help but steal looks at him constantly. After having not seen him in person for 3 weeks, she forgot all the little intricacies of his face. The wrinkle around his eyes when he smiled, the twinkle in them when he looked at her, that adorable little nose wrinkle when he was really happy, and that scar she loved so much. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, enjoying the wind from the Jeep’s open windows and feel of Peter’s thumb caressing her hand. She could do this forever. Well not the 3.5 hour distance between the two of them, but being with Peter.

She woke up a short time later, embarrassed she had fallen asleep, and looked over to see Peter’s sexy profile in the sunglasses she had gotten him for college. Her heart skipped a beat every time she saw him, knowing he was hers. “Sorry, I guess I didn’t sleep well last night. I was too excited for this weekend.” She stretched and realized he had been holding her hand the entire time she slept. He grudgingly gave it up so she could readjust her coat and stretch out.

“You are lucky you are so cute when you sleep, with your little snores or I would have stolen the rest of your yogurt.” He laughed and the sound made her heart leap. She found herself so over the top romantic whenever they had longer stretches apart from one another, but she just couldn’t get enough of him.

“I do not snore!” “Oh but you do and I love it.” He grabbed her hand again and planted a kiss on the back of it. “So Covey, are you ready for this weekend? It’s jammed packed with college fun.” She laughed at him and nodded her head, so excited for a long weekend at UVA. They both had Monday off, so she got to stay an extra night, which both excited her and terrified her. Usually Friday night they were both so tired that they just fell asleep in Peter’s bed, but Saturday things always heated up a bit although never going further than a little heated petting. Now with an extra night, she felt that it was finally time to tell Peter she was ready. This weekend she would finally have sex with Peter Kavinsky.

She blushed at that thought and Peter gave her a strange look. “What’s up Covey? What’s going on in that head of yours?”

She just shook her head and looked out the window, keeping that thought to herself for now. “Nothing, I’m just so excited to have this weekend together.” The rest of the ride continued in peaceful silence with little looks of longing passed between both of them. Lara Jean was where she was meant to be and couldn’t wait for this weekend that would change her life.

That night, they stayed tucked in to Peter’s dorm to watch a movie and she felt like Peter was moving faster than he normally did. They hadn’t even made it into 20 minutes of the movie before she felt his hands snaking up her shirt. She froze; this wasn’t how she planned it. Her plan involved them going to his Lacrosse game tomorrow, the Halloween party tomorrow night and then they would have sex. The change to her plans freaked her out and she pulled away from Peter.

“Covey, what did I-?” “I’m not ready yet. Let’s just watch the movie.” She winced at how harsh her voice came out, why couldn’t she just let things happen naturally. Why did she put this pressure on herself and the situation to be perfect? She had brought all the things she thought you needed for your first time: the perfect lingerie, candles, and condoms. It took her 45 minutes to buy those in the store out of sheer embarrassment, but she had done it. Peter pulled back, paused the movie, and called her out.

“Fight Club Covey.” They started using this when they realized one wasn’t being direct with the other. Long distance was hard since so little of it was in person and this was their code for ‘cut the shit and be honest.’ She sighed and blushed wondering how she would explain this to Peter.

“Well, I just had this plan you see. I wanted to go to your game tomorrow, go to the party, and then come back here and seduce you. I have all the stuff secretly packed to surprise you and now you are ruining it!” She realized how silly she sounded as she was saying it. She hadn’t seen him for 3 weeks and her body was screaming at her, but her brain wouldn’t slow down. She felt him shaking and heard the low rumble of him trying to hide his laughter. She swatted his chest and scowled at him.

“Seriously Peter, this is a big deal for me and I don’t know how to handle it. I know I’m ready, I obviously know your are ready, but what is the first step?” 

He was trying so hard to keep a straight face when he said, “Well typically, when your boyfriend is trying to feel you up, that’s the first step.” She swatted him again but this time he grabbed her hands and pulled her onto his chest. They started getting into a tickle fight and she was screeching with laughter until he suddenly rolled on top of her. All the breath left her body and she found herself staring into his brown eyes. 

The typical humor she found in them was replaced with a look so intense she was locked into his gaze. She could feel him pressing into her thigh and she knew this was it. She could lean up and kiss him and that would be the first step. She started to reach up to him and felt him lowering down to her when suddenly the door burst open and in came Gabe laughing at someone saying something in the hallway. He obviously hadn’t seen them yet.

Peter quickly jumped off Lara Jean and sat next to her, grabbing the blanket to put over the obvious erection in his lap. Lara Jean quickly ran her hands through her hair and leaned on his shoulder, willing the all over blush to leave her body before Gabe saw. Gabe turned around and knew he had interrupted something. His face fell. Peter had told him not to come home tonight but he had forgotten his charger and in his drunken state had just burst into the room. ‘Shit, Kavinsky is going to kill me’ he thought.

“Hey guys, sorry. My phone died and I need to charge it so I don’t miss the game tomorrow. I’m headed out, see ya.” He scrambled out the door before PK could beat the shit out of him.

Peter let out a sigh of frustration at his roommate; he remembered giving him specific instructions to not enter that room until Peter texted him the next day. The moment was clearly passed and he knew Lara Jean. Without looking at her, he could already feel her talking herself out of taking the next step. She was ready, Peter would never push if she wasn’t, but her damn brain kept getting in the way.

“Well, should we finish the movie?” she asked and Peter groaned. Wrapping her up in his arms, he figured there was always tomorrow night but Gabe owed him big time.


	5. The Start of the End Part 2, Stage 2-Immerse Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the happiness continues. If only it would last. This chapter does have sexual content in it, hopefully I did it justice. *slinks away embarrassed*

They woke up the next morning, limbs entangled and Lara Jean’s head on Peter’s chest. She leaned up for a good morning kiss and slowly slid her hands up his bare chest. She wrapped her hands around his jaw and pulled it toward her so she could deepen the kiss. She heard him moan and his tongue slide into her mouth. He slowly shifted on top of her, enjoying the feel of her breasts pressing against his chest with just the thin cotton of his shirt separating them. He slid his hand up the shirt and felt one fill his hand. Lara Jean moaned and he felt his cock spring to life. Just the slightest sound from her always caused his body to surge into action, which was inconvenient at times.

He felt her hands slide up and down his back, slowly scraping her nails in random patterns and his hips thrust into her without thinking. He moved from her mouth to down her neck, nibbling and sucking along her jaw. He moved to the hollow of her neck but the shirt got in the way. They had never moved to shirtless making out, well Lara Jean shirtless that is, but today he pushed the boundaries a little bit.

He moved back up to her ear and whispered, “Can I?” while playing with the hem of the shirt. He felt her shiver and give the smallest of nods. He met her eyes just to make sure she was ready but she was faster than him. In one swift motion, she leaned up, kissed him, and pulled the shirt over her head. Peter was speechless. He found himself staring and realized she was blushing. “You are gorgeous Covey. You are going to be the death of me.” 

Then he leaned down and placed a kiss just above her left breast. “May I?” She giggled and nodded, taking a leap of faith with him. He slid his head down and latched on to her nipple and both their bodies arched in pleasure. He had never been so turned on when she let out a long moan and grasped the back of his head, pushing him harder into her breast. He couldn’t imagine when he was able to do this to other parts of her body. He gave that one a few more sucks and then kissed his way over to the right side, latching on there too and eliciting what he knew was his new favorite sound in the whole world. He was going to file that away for those long weeks when he couldn’t see her.

Lara Jean pulled him back up to her and began kissing him with even more fervor than before. He felt her hand sliding slowly down his stomach toward his pants and he stopped breathing. He had crossed the barrier of touching special parts under clothing but she had never taken the leap. He had never wanted to push her, knowing she would do things when she was comfortable. He felt her hesitate at the waist of his shorts and he reassured her with a deep kiss.

“Covey, there is no pressure here and I only want you to do what you are comfortable with.” He whispered in her ear and gave her a small kiss right behind it. He felt her hand push through his shorts and those tiny little fingers wrap around his cock. His lungs quit working and he felt the breath huff out of him. Lara Jean stopped moving immediately and started to remove her hand.

“Did I do something wrong?” He could hear anxiety pour out of her. “No, no, Covey. It feels amazing.” He felt her hand slowly slide back in and he gave her a reassuring kiss, which was a struggle since his brain was screaming at her touch. She slowly started to pump her hand up and down and his breath was coming out in gasps. After a minute or two he realized this could get embarrassing for the both of them if he didn’t figure out the next step.

“Covey this literally kills me to say but if you keep doing that, it might get a little awkward.” Her hand stopped suddenly and flew out of his shorts. He could feel her face heat up. Taking it slow with her was so hard, he never knew what would cause her to shrink back in on herself, but it was so exciting, knowing he got to have all of her firsts.

“Hey, hey look at me.” She had her head buried in his shoulder and gave a little shake. “Covey.” “Lara Jean.” That did it, he never used her name unless it was serious and she peeked out at him. He gave her a small peck on the lips, she was too adorable not to kiss, and smiled at her. “Hey. That felt amazing and it killed me to stop it but I just want to make sure you are always ready for whatever comes next. I will always go at your pace. I love you so much Covey and want this to be right for you.”

She smiled sweetly up at him, having no idea how she got so lucky as to have him as her boyfriend. He never pushed, always let her lead, and although she knew was probably so sexually frustrated at this point, was willing to stop it here. She realized it couldn’t stretch out like this forever. She would have to take the plunge one day and why not today.

She looked him squarely in the eyes while sliding the shorts she borrowed from him down her hips. She was now lying in Peter Kavinsky’s college dorm bed in only her underwear. At least she had chosen some cute ones and not her gross laundry day ratty white ones.

Peter about died on the spot. He saw the one barrier still in his way and tried to keep his breathing even. He had been waiting for this so long. He realized Lara Jean was staring at him panicked she had read the situation incorrectly.

“May I?” Two simple words but ones he knew he had to ask. She gave the briefest of nods and he found his fingers looping through the sides of her underwear and slowly pulling them down. Just as they started to move, his alarm went off, reminding him that he only had 20 minutes to get to the fields to warm up for the game. He groaned so loudly Lara Jean burst out into a fit of giggles.

“Son of a bitch. Screw Lacrosse, there is no way I’m getting out of this bed right now.” He switched his attention back to his gorgeous girlfriend in bed and her almost removed underwear before he saw her hands move to rest on top of his.

“Peter. You can’t skip. This game will get you into the playoffs. You would get kicked off the team, lose your scholarship, probably even kicked out of school. As much as it pains both of us, we have to press pause.” Peter grunted and buried his head into her shoulder. 

“Seriously, first Gabe and now my damn alarm. It’s like the world is conspiring against us.”

“Or it knows this can happen at another time and you have a game to go win.” Lara Jean pulled his hands away, laughing as she heard him actually whimper, and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. She leaned toward his ear and whispered as seductively as she could, “Tonight. I promise.” He groaned again and fell against her, limp with frustration.

“Ok I guess I will go shower. I’m sure the girls will be waiting for you too. I’ll text Gabe that it’s ok to come up to the room to get ready, I’m sure he is terrified to enter this room today, which he should be. I still need to deal with him.” With that, Peter stood up and pulled Lara Jean up against him, still only clad in her underwear. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

“You realize how hard it is for me to walk away right now. You are the sexiest girl I’ve ever met and I couldn’t hate the sport of Lacrosse more right now. I love you LJ.”

She giggled into his chest and returned the hug. “I love you two PK. Now go get ready, I’m guessing your shower is going to take a bit longer than normal, you don’t want to be late.” She looked up at him with a mischievous look in her eye and he swatted her butt.

“You are in trouble and will be punished later. I’ll be back in a bit. If I tell Gabe 10 minutes, will you be dressed enough for him to be able to come in? I’m sure he is anxious to grab his stuff.”

She nodded already pulling her bra on and tights she was going to wear to the game. She heard Peter moan in sadness at her getting dressed and she shooed him away. When he was in the shower, she pulled on her skirt and his old Jersey, tying it up so it was cute and not boxy. She pulled her hair up into pigtails, wrote his number on her cheek, and made sure she was 100% ready to support him in this huge game. She sat on the bed, thinking about how far they had gone and she was proud of herself. She let herself be vulnerable and push those mental barriers. She knew Peter would never hurt her and the first time with him would be something she would cherish forever.

Gabe knocked and peeked into the room with his eyes covered. “Every one decent in here?” “Yep, just me,” Lara Jean replied. He removed his hand and smiled at her. “So on a scale of 1-10, how badly does PK want to kill me?” “Well you better get dressed and run so he doesn’t practice his swing on you.” Lara Jean broke out into laughter when she saw his eyes widen in terror.

“I’m kidding but maybe letting him win tonight at Beer Pong wouldn’t be such a bad thing.” Now it was Gabe’s turn to chuckle. “I never throw a game, you know that, but maybe just this once.” He paused and turned back to her, suddenly looking very serious.

“Hey, so before he comes back and possibly kills me, I just wanted to say one thing. Please don’t break that boy’s heart. He is so in love with you it’s hard to watch sometimes. When he comes back from dropping you off at UNC, he doesn’t talk for at least a day. One night we were at a party and this girl was flirting with him. He looked her square in the eyes, picked up his phone, called you, and when you answered started talking to you right in front of her, then turned and left the party. The boy is 100% under your spell. Please don’t hurt him.” With that, Gabe turned and started packing his bag. Lara Jean just sat there and smiled at the thought of Peter pining away for her.

“Gabe.” He turned to look at her. “The feeling is beyond mutual so there are no plans to hurt him. I know he’s my first boyfriend so this might not resonate, but there is no one else for me. I’ve never loved anyone like I love Peter, my family included, and I won’t ever love anyone else like him. He is it for me. But don’t tell him I said that.” Lara Jean looked away to hide her blush and finished getting ready for the game, making sure everything was perfect.

Little did she know, Peter was outside for the whole conversation and felt his heart leap in his chest at the thought of him being Lara Jean’s one and only. He couldn’t wait to tell her he felt the same way. He loved her so much and couldn’t imagine anything getting in the way of that love, not even this shitty long distance thing. They were made for each other.


	6. Where it all Unraveled, Stage 2-Immerse Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big game doesn't end quite like they expected.

Flashback continued

Lara Jean took her place among the girlfriends at the game, loving this group of girls that she had come to know so well in such a short time. Ever since practice for the boys started in the summer, they had become a tight knit group. They usually hung out together while the boys were working out or practicing long hours. They had their own Messenger Chat, The GF Squad, to keep up to date on how everyone was doing. Most of the girls were at UVA so they were the watchdogs for the few long distance girlfriends, not that they needed it, but it was a good mental safety net at the party. If a girl was getting too fresh with one of the guys, the GF Squad would step in and kindly, but firmly set the girl straight.

Lara Jean had gotten especially close with Chrissie, another long distance girlfriend she found was also at UNC. Sometimes they would carpool together to UVA or closer away games and once Peter and Chrissie’s boyfriend Jake had ridden together to surprise the girls at UNC. They were so excited to all be reunited for this huge game. Lara Jean was focused on Peter right now, watching him warm up was always a huge turn on and after their almost first sexual experience in his dorm, she was revved up more than normal.

Chrissie must have sensed something was different because she leaned close and whispered, “Did you guys? You know?” with a wink. Lara Jean blushed and smiled. “Ummm, almost. Last night it almost happened but Gabe interrupted and then this morning it would have happened but we lost track of time and his alarm went off. Tonight for sure.” Chrissie let out a little whoop and Lara Jean shushed her. “Oh man, that’s why Peter is so intense out there. I thought there was a little extra fire in his step. I think he is going to try to make this game go as quickly as possible.” Laughing, the girls returned their attention to the boys. Warm ups were just ending so they were coming over to the sidelines. All the girls shouted out their names and waved, the boys quickly jogging over to give their girlfriends a pre-game kiss for luck.

As Peter ran up to Lara Jean, she felt her stomach fill with warmth. She had always found him attractive when he was playing, but today she almost jumped him on the spot. She could see the intensity in his eyes was stronger too and his gaze slowly slide over her skirt, jersey, and initials and number on her cheeks. “Good Luck Peter!” She leaned in for a kiss but before doing that said, “I can’t wait to celebrate your big win after.” She gave his stunned face a big kiss and laughed. “You are a little minx,” he said giving her one last kiss. “I will see you after the game, we are taking Gabe’s keys away from him.” He winked at her and ran back to the field. 

She would remember how light and happy he looked in that moment, it would get her through the hard times that were just on the horizon for them.

The game was tied and there were 2 minutes left. Peter had been on fire, stopping so many shots he felt like his arms were moving on their own at this point. He had scored 7 of the 14 goals, which was a season high for him. He could feel the energy coursing through his body from adrenaline and Lara Jean. He always played better when she was here, it just drove him to impress her and make her proud of him. He felt the clock winding down and knew he had to take this into his own hands. He saw the ball coming toward him, stopped the goal, scooped it up and began an upfield strike with Gabe and Trevor. They passed it to him and he was in position to take the game winning shot. As he took his last step, before he was going to fire the ball, his world came crashing down.

He saw it coming a split second before it did, but couldn't stop it. The slightly too large lump in the field, the just off foot placement of his left leg, and the world was suddenly on fire. Peter fell to the ground screaming as he felt multiple things tear apart inside his knee. He could barely breath he was in so much pain. If he had been able to, he would have heard Lara Jean’s scream that matched his.

Lying on the ground, cradling his left leg, he felt himself slip into half consciousness and seemed to see his body as if looking from above, writhing in pain. His ACL was torn for sure, he remembered Trevor describing it when he tore it sophomore year in high school. He was pretty sure there were other injuries as well. His teammates reached him just as adrenaline woke him up and then the obscenities started flying. “Fucking shit. Get off me. Let me fucking stand up. I’m fine, don’t touch me! This is-“ He continued as Gabe and Trevor tried to calm him down so the trainers could get a good look at his leg. He struggled against them until Trevor grabbed his face, forced him to look at him, and said “Dude, you gotta pull it together. You need to lay still or you will tear more. I know you are in a lot of pain but stop fighting us. You are freaking everyone out.” To the guys he said, “Someone find LJ, get her out here.” Peter snapped up at that, “No, I don’t want her out here. I will calm down, but do not let her out here.”

Lara Jean was halfway to his side when she heard this. Her heart sank. She already had tears streaming down her face, knowing the mental state he must be in. Lacrosse was his life. His words made the tears flow even harder. He didn’t want her? Peter was in pain, which meant she was in pain, and he didn’t want her there to comfort her. Trevor must have seen her face. He grabbed Jake and told him to hold Peter still and ran to Lara Jean’s side.

“Listen, he is in an extreme amount of pain and shock. He didn’t mean what he said. He isn’t himself right now. Just let us get him calmed down and the trainers looking at him and I know he will be asking for you in no time.” He motioned for the other girlfriends to come get LJ and ran back to Peter’s side. Lara Jean could hear him still swearing up a storm as the other girls led her off the field.

Chrissie grabbed her hand. “Lara Jean, are you ok? You look really pale.” Those were the last words Lara Jean heard before she passed out, Peter’s screams filling her mind.


	7. Words Cut Deep, Stage 2-Immerse Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The spiral downward of Peter Kavinsky continues. Please don't worry, our normal loving guy will return eventually. I love Peter and it killed me to write him this way but he is such a passionate guy that I knew he would not take this injury well. Plus he and Lara Jean love bottling things up and pushing the other away so I thought it was exactly how he would react. 
> 
> **A little backstory, my husband as torn his ACL twice and although nothing like this ever happened, I based Peter's spiral off from my husband's. Mentally, the 2nd tear was very hard for him as he was in peak physical condition at the time it happened and all he did was pivot on the field playing frisbee.

Flashback continued

The days that followed Peter’s injury was terrible. Lara Jean tried to do everything she could, but his mental state was very dark. Not only had he completely blown out his knee; torn ACL, MCL, and meniscus, but they had lost the game. The guys were so defeated after Peter was carted off that the other team easily scored to take the win into the playoffs. The party was cancelled that night and Lara Jean’s hopeful night with Peter turned into hours in the waiting room with Peter’s mom, brother, Kitty, and her dad, as he was examined and made comfortable.

The worst part is Peter wouldn’t let her come back. He agreed to see his mom and Owen, but refused to let Lara Jean come back. She stayed in the waiting room all night, sleeping in the chairs long after the others left. Peter’s mom gave her a sorrowful look. “Oh honey, go home and get some rest. He is still in shock and I know will want to see you once he comes to terms with it. They were only letting family back anyway” Lara Jean felt the sting of that comment, but just nodded and stayed where she was. She understood how this was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to Peter, but why wouldn’t he let her come back? Everyone kept saying to give him time, but why did he need it?

The next morning, Peter woke up and hoped it was all a dream. He prayed Covey would be wrapped up in his arms and the day hadn’t started yet. He woke up to beeping and cords, uncomfortable in the too short hospital bed, and realized it was real. His days of playing Lacrosse were more than likely over. He closed his eyes as the anger returned. He heard the door open but decided to pretend to be asleep during this check. The cheery nurse would have normally gotten a smile and harmless flirt out of him but now it was too exhausting to even say hi.

He felt her slap his arm. “I know you are awake and right now I need you to pull your head out of your ass.” His eyes flew open, what nurse spoke to patients like that?

“Excuse me?” He felt the anger rising even higher.

“You need to get it together. There is an adorable little lady out there right now sleeping in our terrible hospital chairs waiting for word to see you.” Peter quickly glanced out toward the door. Lara Jean had stayed all night?

“What? She’s here? Tell her to go home, I don’t want to see her right now.”

The nursed scoffed at him. “I will do no such thing. You will man up and talk to her.” With that the nurse started going through his routine checks and didn’t say another word to him. As she was leaving, he said, “Fine. Send her back,” and she turned to smile at him. “That was the right choice.”

Lara Jean slowly entered the room, unsure of what she was going to find. The nurse had warned her that his mood wasn’t the best, but he was asking for her. She saw him as she opened the door, hooked up to monitors, his leg in a full cast from groin to ankle, and tears immediately filled her eyes.

“Oh Peter.” He met her eyes and quickly looked away. She saw something like disgust cross his face and realized she must look terrible. “I’m sorry, I know I’m gross from sleeping out there last night, I just didn’t want to go back to your dorm in case you needed me.”

He didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at her as she made her way to the chair next to his bed. She reached for his hand but he pulled it away. There was a voice in the back of his head telling him what a colossal idiot he was being but he couldn’t stop himself. The pity in her eyes was soul crushing and he didn’t want to see it. 

“It’s fine. You didn’t have to stay. Gabe can get you in the room.” His sentences were short and clipped and he saw her wince at every word. She reached up to brush some hair out of his eyes and he flinched away. “Stop, I’m fine.” Her face fell and the voice in his head screamed louder, ‘Don’t do this, don’t push her away. She loves you.’ He couldn’t stop though.

“Can your dad give you a ride back to UNC? You might as well head back, the weekend is ruined.” With that he turned his head away and Lara Jean forced her body to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over. How was it not even 24 hours ago, she and Peter were almost at the most intimate moments of their relationship and now he could barely look at her?

“Did I do something wrong? I’m not going anywhere. I am staying for your surgery.”

“No!” It came out so harsh, Lara Jean pushed back in the chair making the legs squeak and both of them jump. “I mean, no, you can’t skip school. You can’t do anything for me anyway so why be here.”

“Because I love you?’ It came out as more of a question than she planned for it to but she had no idea what was happening. “Don’t you want me here?”

“Why? So you can look at me with those pity eyes when we all know where this is headed? I’m done Lara Jean. Lacrosse is over for me, which means school is too. I can’t afford to go here.” She started to say something but he cut her off, “What? You are going to come visit me when I’m living with my mom again? We will go out on dates like we did back in high school and then you can go back to UNC while I work at some fast food restaurant? No, it’s not happening.”

Lara Jean stood up and moved closer to him. She felt it, the spiral into depression that she had seen only once before when his dad attempted to reenter his life and then promptly left again. “Peter stop. You don’t know that Lacrosse is over and even if it is, there are plenty of kids that take out loans and pay for college that way. We will figure this out. You are not going to be working at McDonalds. As long as we are together, we will be ok.”

“Really, look where I am? Do you think this is magically going to repair itself Lara Jean? I am looking at a year’s recovery with a small window of chance I will ever play again. Maybe if I hadn’t been so distracted today it wouldn’t have happened.” There it was, the words he was thinking, the shitty words that came from the darkest part of his soul, were out. He knew how crazy it sounded, mentally slapped himself for saying it, but couldn’t stop himself. His depression over his injury was causing him to lash out at the one person that he needed most. Push her away before she can leave him when rehab and recovery become too much for her to handle.

Tears spilled down her cheeks. “What are you saying?” She was visibly shaking and Peter wanted nothing more to reach out to her. His arm twitched without thinking but he felt the pull of the IV inside it and it was like gasoline onto a fire.

“I mean, you must have seen how intensely I was playing. You had to have known it was because of this morning. I was so amped up on testosterone I wasn’t thinking clearly. Do you know how hard it is to hold back with you? How much I have wanted you in this past year but held back out of respect? And then this morning, when we are so close and both ready and you stop us so I can go play fucking Lacrosse? I mean what the hell was that?” He was a roll now, saying all the things he didn’t actually believe, all to make the pain in his leg go away. 

She turned and left. Not a word or glance back, and he heard her sobbing as she rushed out of the door and ran down the hallway. “Fuck.” He slammed his head back and let out a breath he had been holding the whole time, knowing he just messed up the last good thing in his life.


	8. Reality Check, Step 2-Immerse Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guys come to Lara Jean's defense and Peter finds his way back to himself. Sadly, his spiral is not over, this is just a reprieve.

Flashback Continued

Without even thinking, she was back at Peter’s dorm before she realized she didn’t have a key to get in and all of her stuff; phone, purse, and wallet was still in Chrissie’s car. She sat down on a bench just outside the door and burst into tears. She didn’t even have room to be embarrassed for crying in public, her emotional quota filled up for the day and it wasn’t even 10 AM. How had everything gone so wrong? This is where Gabe found her 30 minutes later. He didn’t say a word, just sat down next to her, and wrapped her up in his arms.

“Have you seen him?” She could hardly get the words out, her voice was so weak from crying.

“Yeah, he is not in a good place. I had to force the nurse to let me in and all he did was swear at me. Did he finally let you in?”

She could only nod and was sent into another round of crying. “Come on LJ, let’s go upstairs.” Gabe led her up to their room but she couldn’t step over the threshold. The last time they were in this room, they were laughing and joking about the future, making plans for that night. That version of Peter and Lara Jean seemed like a distant memory.

Gabe noticed her hesitation and gave her the time she needed. He sat down on Peter’s bed so she could sit down on his and that is what finally got her in the door. She crumpled onto his bed into a sobbing heap. She knew she was making him nervous, they had hardly ever spent any time together alone, and now she was a sobbing mess. She heard him stand up and grab the tissue box and sit down next to her.

“LJ, I don’t know what happened in that room, but you have to understand where he is mentally right now. It doesn’t excuse whatever he said to you, but besides you, Lacrosse is what Peter lives for. He may have just lost that for good and he isn’t reacting well. I know for a fact when he processes that, which is hopefully sooner than later, he will be back to his old self.” 

“He blamed me for him getting injured.”

That made Gabe stop in his tracks. “He what?!?” His voice got louder on ‘what’ which made Lara Jean look up at him. She just shrugged her shoulders but he wasn’t about to let this go.

“No, tell me what he said to you.”

She shook her head a little to say no, but then when she realized he wasn’t going to give it up, she started talking through her tears. “Well, this morning, we almost-you know. It would have happened but his alarm went off and we realized he was going to miss the game if we continued. He was all for it but I wouldn’t let him. So we stopped. Apparently he was really wound up from it and he claims he wasn’t thinking clearly while playing and that’s why he got hurt.” She has no idea how Gabe understood her because she was sobbing so hard through the last part.

“Hold on.” He stood up, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “Hey Trev. I know you were going to head to the hospital but I need you to come sit with LJ. Peter and I need to have a little chat.” Lara Jean started to protest but Gabe silenced her with one finger. “Yeah, it does have to happen right now. Yes I understand you are probably the only one to get through to him right now but this has to happen right now. Just come and sit with her please.” He put his phone back in his pocket and sat back down next to her and wrapped his arms back around her.

She realized if it weren’t for him, she would have fallen apart completely. He sat with her, just rubbing circles on her back until there was a quiet knock on the door. He opened it to find Trevor, looking very worn. “Hey man, where is she?” He stepped in, took one look at her and said, “No, I’m coming with you. Let me get Chrissie. She’s just down the hall.” He jogged out of sight and she heard him quickly explain and was followed back by Chrissie. Lara Jean would have normally been embarrassed by all the drama she was causing, but right now her heart hurt too much to care.

“Hey Lara Jean, want to come back to my place for a bit? My roommate is gone for the weekend and we can just hang out. I just stocked up on ice cream.” Lara Jean just blankly nodded and followed Chrissie out the door. Gabe gave her one last hug and promised he would call after the hospital to see if she wanted her stuff or a ride somewhere. Trevor grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a big hug.

“Listen LJ, I’ve been here before. I don’t know what he said, but please understand this isn’t Pete right now. This is all the male angst, testosterone, and adrenaline built up speaking for him. We will get him back for you.” Lara Jean flinched at the word testosterone, remembering Peter's words, but squeezed Trevor tighter. 

“Just tell him I love him.” She mumbled into his shoulder and squeezed him tighter.

Peter had incredible friends and up until this moment that’s how she always viewed them, Peter’s friends. She realized now that they cared about her just as much. Trevor gave her one last squeeze and a light kiss on the top of the head and headed out with Gabe, Jake following in tow. Chrissie led Lara Jean to her car to drive her to her dorm. Once they were in the safety of the car, she broke down crying again, unsure of where all these tears were coming from. She was so exhausted and immediately fell asleep when they got back to Chrissie’s room, dreaming of the day before when life seemed perfect, dreaming of Peter’s smile.

~~~~~~~~~~  
All three of them entered his room and he could have cared less. They all had fire in their eyes but let them yell at him, there is no way he could be at a lower point than he was right now. His leg throbbed and he couldn’t have any more pain meds for another hour. His throat was raw from crying after Lara Jean left and he just kept replaying that horrible loop in his mind of all the terrible things he said to her over and over. They took one look at his face and he saw some of the fire die out, they saw he knew what he did was horrendous and needed to be rectified immediately.

“I’m guessing you’ve seen Lara Jean.” It was all he could say, what could excuse the shit he said to her? “How is she?” Gabe scoffed so loud Trevor looked at him in surprise.

“How is she? How is she? That’s the first fucking question you ask about her? You blame her for your injury and you have the audacity to say ‘how is she?’ How the fuck do you think she is you asshole? She has been crying for hours, she could barely walk into our room, and she is still only asking about YOU!” Gabe was almost bellowing at this point but Peter deserved it. He wishes he would hit him.

Trevor was listening and at Gabe’s words, he exclaimed, “You blamed her for your injury? Did you hit your head? I think it was the hole you stepped in. How the hell is this Lara Jean’s fault?” Peter couldn’t even look at them or Jake, who was lingering in the back. Before he could answer, Gabe filled it all in for him.

“Oh yeah, that’s right, you were spared that part of the morning. Funny story, as I was holding Lara Jean and keeping her from breaking apart from crying, she tells me Peter fucking Kavinsky blamed the fact that they almost had sex this morning on his injury. Apparently before they could go all the way, Lara Jean had the bright idea that Peter shouldn’t miss the extremely important game for 5 minutes of bliss and told him they needed to get going. Well Mr. Sex God over here was so affected by this and the fact that he didn’t get his jollies off that it made him a pompous asshole on the field, trying to play the hero, and tearing his ACL.” Gabe was out of breath and Trevor was glaring at Peter.

“Go ahead, I deserve it.” Peter gestured that Trevor should clearly speak his mind as well.

“I have no words for you. I hugged LJ earlier when she was crying because I thought she was crying over you getting hurt. Now all I want to do is punch you so I’m just going to stand over here.”

Peter had no idea what had happened to the last 24 hours. He can’t believe just 24 hours ago, he was lying in bed with Lara Jean having one of the best moments of his life and now here he was lying in this damn hospital bed having one of the worst moments of his life.

“I need to talk to her.” The three of them just stared at him. “I know it doesn’t excuse it or even come close to making up for it, but they had just told me I have a 10% change of playing Lacrosse ever again. The doctor had just left, my mom was telling me to take it one step at a time and all I could think of was how my life is over. When she came into the room, eyes full of pity for me, knowing what this probably cost me, I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle that amount of love for me. I spiraled. Please, I need to see her.”

Trevor walked up and stood next to his bed. His hands were clenched into fists. “Do you remember what you told me when I tore mine? Do you remember that day in the hospital?”

Peter exhaled, repeating the words he said to Trevor years ago, “Suck it up and get over yourself. What does that doctor know about you? You are Trevor fucking Pike. You will play Lacrosse again.”

“Exactly dude. I’m saying the same to you. What does that doctor know about Peter Kavinsky? And, if it happens that you don’t play Lacrosse ever again, just think of all the free time you will have to grovel to your girlfriend because, dude, you are going to need it. I’m thinking those balls are going to be blue for quite some time now." Trevor took a deep breath and finished with muttering, "Dumbass," under his breath.

It was the first genuine laugh Peter had since yesterday morning. He turned back to Gabe, who seemed the most affected by what he had said to Lara Jean. He didn’t realize his friend had such a soft spot for her but what’s not to love about LJ.

“Gabe, I don’t know that I can ever make up for what I said to her but I need to make it right. They said I am getting out this afternoon as long as I promise to leave this brace on and use my crutches. They have to wait for the swelling to come down so I can't have surgery for a week at last. Can you please get her back to our room for me? I’ll be back around 4.”

Gabe just stood there and stared. Peter could see he was really thinking about it. “I will try. You have no idea how bad off she is though. I will be in the room the entire time and I will punch you in the face if you say something stupid.”

With that Gabe turned and walked out of the room, followed by Jake. Trevor hung back for a minute.

“Did you really say that to her?” Trevor asked. Peter just nodded, “It’s been haunting me ever since she stormed out. It’s not like I could run after her. I was so worked up over hearing I might never play again and I don’t know, I just snapped.”

“Dude, she slept here all night, we all tried to get her to go home, but she refused. She said she wanted to be here for you the minute you woke up this morning.”

“I know. I’m sure she regrets that choice now. I’m sure she regrets a lot.”

“Man, you are just dying to fill that ‘stupid jock’ stereotype aren’t you? That girl is crazy about you. As we were leaving to come here and she was going with Chrissie, do you know what she told me? ‘Just tell him I love him.’ If she can love you after that, you better never let her go.” 

With that Trevor walked out, leaving Peter to wonder what he ever did to deserve Lara Jean.


	9. A Bright Light Before the Pain, Stage 2-Immerse Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a little reconciliation between the two, Peter acknowledging that he is in fact a 'dumbass.' If only he would remember that for the future.

Flashback Continued

She woke up with a splitting headache and dry mouth. I guess that’s what happens when you cry for hours straight. She was disoriented at first but then realized she was in Chrissie’s dorm. Looking at the clock it was 2 PM. She had slept 4 hours. Chrissie was sitting on her bed reading a book and looked up when Lara Jean woke up.

“How are you?”

“I’m ok. Do you have any Advil?” Chrissie jumped up to grab that and a large glass of water for her. Lara Jean took the Advil and downed the water. Chrissie quickly refilled it for her.

“Did he really say that to you?” Lara Jean looked at her confused, how did she know?

“Oh, ummm Jake went with the guys to the hospital and filled me in while you were sleeping.”

Jake, guys, hospital. Oh yes, Gabe went to set Peter straight. Peter. Her heart wrenched at the thought of him injured and hurting. Then her brain reminded her of his words and she flinched. What a mess.

“Ummm, how is he? Peter I mean.” She saw Chrissie’s eyes widen in shock.

“Why do you care?”

“I love him Chrissie. What he said was beyond horrible and we will sort it out but Lacrosse means everything to him. I know it doesn't excuse what he said, but he wasn’t in his right mind. I can’t imagine being delivered news like that. He’s 18, he’s a boy, he’s a little hot-headed at times. I just want him to be ok.”

Chrissie let out a low whistle, “Wow, you are way more understanding that I would be. I would want him to suffer for a long time for saying those things.”

“Well, in a way he is going to, but I don’t wish it on him. If I could, I would take this from him. So how is he?”

“Getting out actually. He’s in a full brace due to the damage and has to use crutches, but the guys said he was coming back at 4. They also said he was asking for you.” She looked Lara Jean up and down to gauge her reaction.

Lara Jean looked at the clock. 2:30, just enough time to freshen up and get back to his dorm. “Ok, can I take a shower? Shit, my stuff is at Peter’s. Can you take me back there?”

“You can use my shower stuff, there is no way he can see you like this. No offense, but you look awful.”

After a very long shower, quick Korean Face Mask she had given Chrissie for the start of college, and some borrowed clothes, she found herself being driven to Peter’s dorm. Apparently he was already upstairs but she found Gabe waiting for her downstairs.

“Hey LJ. I’ve got it from here Chrissie, thank you.” Chrissie gave her a hug and headed back to her place, telling Lara Jean she was welcome to crash there if needed.

Gabe put his arm around her and started walking her to the building. “Hey, so I told Peter he wasn’t allowed to be alone with you after this morning so I plan to stay in the room.”

“That isn’t necessary Gabe, it will be ok.” He spun her around, “I know you love that thick headed idiot and he had a traumatic event yesterday that left him dumber than usual, but it does not excuse what he said to you. Do NOT let him off the hook for that. If he was hurting that much, he could have just sat there with his mouth shut.” With that, Gabe turned and led her upstairs. She hesitated outside the door, unsure how to continue, tears already forming in her eyes. He must have noticed.

“You don’t have to talk to him, you don’t owe him anything,” Gabe said with very concerned eyes. 

“No, we have to clear the air. We can’t leave it like that. Those won’t be the last words I hear from his mouth.” Lara Jean squared her jaw and knocked on the door.

She heard his voice say come in and her hand hesitated for a second on the door handle before turning it and swinging the door inside.

There he sat, her heart leaped at the sight of him before her brain caught up and chastised it. He was changed into shorts and a t-shirt, the same ones Lara Jean had been wearing yesterday morning in bed. She wondered if he did this on purpose.

“Hi.” His gaze was so intense and she could see the deep hurt in his eyes. He knew how much he had hurt her and it was killing him. She didn’t say anything but turned to Gabe and said, “It’s ok, you can leave us be. I can handle it. Thank you though.” She wrapped him up in a hug and she felt his arms tighten around him.

“I will be in Jake’s room. You text me if you need me to punch him.” Lara Jean let out a light chuckle, “That won’t be necessary. I know how to throw a right hook well enough.”

It was Gabe’s turn to laugh now. He ruffled her hair, and said, “There is no one like you Largie.” It made her breath catch in her throat, as that was normally Peter’s line, except it was usually followed by Covey. Gabe turned and walked away but not before giving Peter a very knowing glance.

Lara Jean turned back toward him and just stood there. She was unsure of where to sit so she perched herself on the edge of Gabe’s bed, still rumpled from her crying session earlier.

“Lara Jean, I can’t even say-“

She cut him off, “Can we just skip it? I don’t need your apology.”

“No, we can’t skip it. I have to say this. I can’t even say how sorry I am. The second the words slipped out of my mouth I wanted to take them back. Although it is not an excuse at all, the doctor had just told me that I have a 10% change of ever playing Lacrosse again due to all the damage. I was reeling and you came in the room with all that love in your eyes and it was too much.”

“You are right Peter,” she said cutting him off, “I came into the room after sleeping the night in the hospital on those awful chairs because I couldn’t not be near you while you were in pain. That was after you refused to let me come in and your mom kindly let me know it was because only family was allowed back, but I stayed. I stayed there until that nurse came and told me you wanted to see me. I was so hopeful. I thought I would walk into that room, wrap you up into my arms, and we would get through this together. We would hold each other and I would let you get it all out so that you could see your life wasn’t over. But no, you had to revert to your former self, lashing out at the person that you knew would give you the most. You know how hard that physical stuff is for me, how much it took for me to get that far and yet you used that against me. Let’s not pretend that you didn’t know exactly what you were saying when you were saying it. You didn’t want me in the room so instead of nicely asking me to leave and give you space, you had to force me to leave.” Lara Jean was starting to get worked up, she had tears flowing down her cheeks and she was so sick of crying at this point she angrily wiped them away. She went to begin again before looking up and seeing tears streaking down Peter’s cheeks and that is when all the air went out of her.

She slowly moved to his bed and sat next to him and he dropped his head onto her shoulder and sobbed. She sat there rubbing his back for at least 10 minutes before his breathing began to slow down and crying stopped.

“What am I going to do?” That’s all he said but she knew it was everything he was feeling wrapped up into that simple sentence. For Peter, emotions were very simple. Hot or cold, happy or angry, on top of the world or rock bottom. This was his rock bottom.

“You are going to do what you always do, slap a smile on that pretty face, hold your head high, and laugh or flirt your way through this.” She heard the little edge in her voice but tried to keep it light.

He lifted his head to look at her. “I don’t deserve you.”

“No you don’t, but you are stuck with me so you better work on that.” She leaned in and pecked him on the lips.

“You also better get used to your right hand because it is going to be a long while before anything happens again.” She had a huge smile on her face while saying it and it caused him to laugh out loud.

“Lara Jean Covey, I love you so much it hurts. I will spend the rest of my life making up for what I said to you but please, oh please, don’t punish me with the threat of my right hand only.”

She burst out laughing now and so did he. They had found their way back to each other or so they thought. It was a long road from here and not without its bumps.

Peter leaned in and kissed her on the lips and she felt her world straighten back out. Her heart was still bruised but she knew with time it would heal.

“I love you Covey.” “I love you Kavinsky.”


	10. I was an Asshole, Step 3-Embracing It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've moved into the next stage of the Forgiveness Cycle. We are back in real time for a bit but the big break-up is just on the horizon. As Lara Jean processes seeing Peter again, she slowly lets the memories flood back in to begin the healing process. I never want a female character to be weak and just forgive a male character for terrible things so I tried to make it very authentic as she worked through all those feelings of that foreshadowed night.

Real Time

Lara Jean snapped back to reality and her eyes focused back in on Jenna. She had to stop talking as tears were forming in her eyes and she vowed she wouldn’t ever cry another tear for Peter, a rule she had already broken a few times in the past two days. Jenna was sitting staring at her horror struck.

“Wait, so it sounded like a happy ending. From what I’ve heard, it wasn’t a happy ending.”

“Well, that was just the start. It was the catalyst that lit the fuse that blew up our relationship. I’m late for the second day of orientation though so I have to run. I’ll tell you the rest when I get home?”

“Are you for real? I have to sit here all day and wait to hear more?”

“You could come to orientation with me since you are going to be a student here too.”

“Orientation is for suckers. Want to go to the beach instead?”

Lara Jean thought for two seconds and said, “Ugh, fine. You are a bad influence on me!” They quickly began to pack up their beach items and hopped in Jenna’s convertible to head to the beach.

Once they arrived, they saw it was packed but found a nice little spot on the sand that was open. They spread out their blankets and relaxed in for a day of sun, reading, and boy watching if you were Jenna. Lara Jean had a heated romance novel calling to her from her bag. Just as she was getting to the good part, Jenna inhaled sharply.

“Umm LJ, I hate to break it to you but Mr. Stud and his gorgeous friends are here at the beach.” Lara Jean had no idea what she was talking about so she looked up from her book and saw them all. Trevor, Gabe, a few guys she didn’t know, and Peter. Towing a huge cooler down to the beach and a net. Oh shit.

“Let’s get out of here,” she hissed but it was too late. “Is that Largie?” she heard Trevor exclaim.

“Largie?” Jenna looked at her confused. “It’s a long story. Well time to meet the rest of the guys I guess.” Lara Jean stood up and brushed the sand off her. She was wearing her new bikini that Jenna had talked her into getting and she was suddenly self-conscious. She had never been a bikini girl before but had gotten into better shape while at UNC. Besides school she didn't have a lot going on after that fateful breakup, so she filled it with physical activity. As she and Jenna approached the group, she saw Peter’s eyes widen at her in a bikini and then quickly shift away.

“Hey Trevor, it’s been so long!” Lara Jean walked over to give him a hug and was instead picked up and twirled around while Trevor screamed, “Too long! I've missed you so much!!” He set her down and instantly fussed her hair like he used to. It was as if no time had passed at all.

“Hey Gabe,” Lara Jean said and after a second, “Hi Peter.” Trevor whistled low but Lara Jean ignored it. “This is my roommate Jenna. She was the first to arrive late last night. Molly and Felicia will be coming later this summer.” Jenna said hi to all the guys and the ones Lara Jean didn’t know introduced themselves. “Wow, who knew Lara Jean was hiding all these handsome men in her past.” Everyone got quiet for a second and then Gabe awkwardly laughed. “What are you ladies up to today? Want to hang out? We have beer and a volleyball.”

“No thanks,” Lara Jean replied, “we were just leaving” at the same time that Jenna said, “Sure!” Lara Jean shot her a look, but Jenna just flashed her a smile. She was trouble.

“Well I guess we can stay, but you know sports and I don’t mix.” She watched as the guys set up their space while Jenna grabbed their stuff. Peter was very quiet and giving her distance, which was nice, but weird at the same time. There was a time in her life that this distance would have killed her and she would have been glued to his side. She watched him pull a soda from the cooler while the guys grabbed some beers and handed them out. Lara Jean reluctantly accepted one and cracked it open.

“So Trevor, how is life?” she asked sidling up to him. She knew he and Chris had broken up, but that was all the news she had about him. “Well I’m just hanging out with these guys this summer before my corporate job starts in New York in the fall, one last hurrah before real life hits. I wish I had been smart enough to go back to grad school so the party could continue but such is life. What about you? How did you end up here?”

“Well I graduated from UNC and accepted a graduate position here at UVA. I’m supposed to be at orientation right now but my friend Jenna over there is a bad influence. Now I’m thinking I should have gone.” She glanced Peter’s way, he was clearly uncomfortable and she was sad she put a damper on his time with the guys when she already brought a cloud to their houses.

“Still?” Trevor asked. “You know, it didn’t really-“ “Yes, still. You don’t get over something like that T.” He looked at LJ and at Peter with a strange look on his face. She could tell something was bothering him but she didn’t really want to get into it.

“I’m actually going to go for a little walk down the beach. I’ll be back in a bit. It was great to see you, if they didn’t tell you, I happen to be your neighbor so feel free to stop over for baked goods!” 

“Oh yes, I knew there was a positive to me deferring my start date! I can’t wait to see you at all of our parties!” Trevor gave her a quick hug and ran over to Peter gesturing wildly toward Lara Jean. Looking agitated, Peter brushed him off and tossed him the volleyball.

“Hey Jenna, I’m going to walk the beach a bit, are you good here?” Jenna just smiled at her, “Am I good here? You are leaving me with 6 insanely attractive men that have beer? Oh whatever shall I do?” Lara Jean laughed as she walked down the beach. She didn’t notice the figure that followed after her, being pushed her way by Trevor with an angry look on his face.

As she walked, she ran over the details of the rest of the story she was supposed to tell Jenna. How would she get through that? It was slightly cathartic to speak about it out loud as she had never told anyone that wasn't there what happened, but was still painful to relive. Her family didn’t even know what caused the Covinsky blowup, Kitty was still hurt over the whole thing. Her mind wandered over that year but she didn’t allow it to stick on any one specific event, knowing that was a rabbit hole she should not go down on a public beach.

She found a quiet place by the rocks and sat down watching the ocean. It had always calmed her in a way few other things could, besides watching the stars, but that was an activity she also avoided these days due to attached memories. She heard him before she saw him, the slightly heavier step from his left leg.

Looking up in perfect sequence to his movement around the rock she was leaning up against, she saw him approaching her.

“Hi. Can we talk now?”

What else was she supposed to say? She was far away from her friends, her ride was engrossed with the boys, and he looked so sad.

“Sure. What would you like to talk about?”

He flinched at her tone, she was much more direct these days than she had been. She had grown up, evolved, and barely remembered that timid girl from high school and freshman year.

He sat down beside her, stretching his legs out next to hers but being very careful not to touch her. She noticed the scar running down his knee, puckering the perfect skin that used to be there. Her hands remembered massaging that to keep scar tissue from building up and watching it stretch and pull during his exercises. For a split second they twitched as if to reach over and touch it, but she stopped them.

“How’s your knee doing? I didn’t think to ask yesterday with all the craziness going on.”

He looked down at it, “It has its’ good days and its’ bad days. I can predict the weather now, which is handy. It always aches before a storm is going to come in. I actually have a minor procedure in a few months to grind off a part of one of the screws. It has a rough edge that catches inside every now and then, feels really strange.” He absentmindedly rubbed the scar as he talked. 

“Well you were out for a run the other night so you must be back to working out. Lacrosse?” She regretted it instantly, the word just shot out of her mouth before her brain could stop it. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“No it’s ok. I don’t play anymore. Running is about the best thing for it at this point, really stretches it out. I do some lifting but I’m still wary of it so I take it easy.”

She almost said ‘It doesn’t seem like it’ since he was still just as fit as ever but she bit her tongue. “How is your family?” She was starting to feel really awkward and just wanted to run away from this whole situation. What do you say to the guy that not only broke your heart, but also humiliated you in front of all your former friends and did it with the most viscous intentions?

“They are good. My mom actually got remarried and the guy is pretty nice. Owen is getting ready for college but you would know that because of Kitty.”

“Well Kitty and I don’t talk a lot these days. She’s been pretty upset with me for quite some time.” 

Peter turned sharply at this, “Really? That doesn’t sound like you guys, what happened?”

Lara Jean looked him squarely in the face, “You.”

His face went white. “Me?”

“Yes. She thought I should have forgiven you all those years ago and I didn’t, so we drifted.”

“Well she was wrong, I’m glad you didn’t forgive me. I was an asshole.”

Now it was Lara Jean’s turn to look shocked. “Well I’m glad we agree on something.” With that she got up and left him sitting there, heading back to the group of guys and Jenna on the beach. She could feel his eyes on her as well as Trevor and Gabe’s. What a wasted effort on their part. Nothing would ever change her mind about Peter Kavinsky, no matter how many times he looked at her with those sad eyes.


	11. Paging Peter Kavinsky, Step 3-Embrace It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's mental state begins to degrade again. Sorry for all the build-up but I feel like it is necessary in our path to the fateful night. (Only 2 more chapters before the break-up).

Real Time  
When they got home that night, Jenna demanded to hear the rest of the story. While she cooked dinner, Lara Jean sipped on some wine and decided to spill the rest of the story. 

“Are you sure? It isn’t pretty. Before I tell this, you have to swear that you won’t try to murder him after I’m done, I know how you get.”

Jenna laughed but when she looked at Lara Jean’s face, she realized she was serious. “I swear, just tell me, I’m dying to know.”

So Lara Jean dove into the past once again and relived the worst 2 months of her life……

Flashback:

Over the next month, Lara Jean came to UVA every chance she got. She borrowed Peter’s car since he wasn’t allowed to drive and took him to every physical therapy appointment she could schedule around her classes. She started taking a few classes remotely so she could stay with Peter longer. After his surgery to repair all the damage, he was on a lot of painkillers and needed 24/7 care. He refused to go home, wanting to continue on at school but he was struggling. She could see the slow changes every time she left and came back. He had more anger in his responses, he wasn’t as cheerful and light hearted as he once was, and if he ever heard or saw anything to do with Lacrosse, he would be in a mood the rest of the day. Usually days after physical therapy were the worst. He would come back to his dorm in so much pain from the exercises and upset he was so physically weak. He was losing everything that was important to him. Lara Jean resolved to not be added to that list, which is why she put up with so much more than she normally would have

She was the perfect girlfriend, bringing him whatever he needed, helping him study to stay on top of his classes even if it meant sacrificing hers here and there, and sadly being the punching bag every now and then when he got in one of his moods. She hated herself for it, but she loved him so much and was so desperate to get him back. She told herself it would get better when his leg got strong.

She noticed he started partying way more. She would drive up on Friday after her 3 PM class and he would already have a drink in his hand. She tried to gently remind him he shouldn’t be drinking with his painkillers but he just brushed her off, saying he hadn’t taken them that day even though she knew he had. Once time she surprised him on a Wednesday, baking him an extra large tin of fruitcake cookies, but was met with a very drunk Peter at the door, wobbling on his crutches.

All in all, Peter Kavinsky was not doing well. When he was sober, he would apologize and promise to do better but every time she left, the little piece of sunshine in his life left and he would fall down a dark hole. He was bitter that he was alone in his dorm when the guys were at practice. He was bitter every time Lara Jean would drive away back to school. In the cloud of painkillers, he would tell himself that if she loved him enough she would take time off from school to stay with him, but then he would shake that thought away, knowing he was being selfish. He was bitter that he had to depend on everyone to do anything. Peter was losing himself.

Drinking was the only way to dull the pain and although he knew he was drinking too much, he couldn’t stop. Then the painkillers started making him feel good and he was taking them more than necessary. Soon Thanksgiving rolled around and he refused to go home, claiming he had huge tests to study for but really he just wanted to stay and party. Lara Jean stayed with him but he could tell she was unhappy and worried about him. It just made him push her away more. She had no idea what he had to give up when he couldn’t play Lacrosse anymore, she just didn’t understand.

Lara Jean watched all this and cried herself to sleep most nights when she was at UNC because she could see him self-destructing but couldn’t do anything about it. Peter refused to listen, refused to get help, and sometimes even refused to see her if she was going to continue to “nag” him all the time. After Thanksgiving, she came around slightly less and that only made him angrier. As they approached Christmas, she decided to visit him for a weekend where Gabe was gone and her Friday class was canceled, so they could just relax in his room and hopefully reconnect. She arrived after a white-knuckle drive from UNC in a random snowstorm to find Peter wasn’t in his dorm. After knocking on a few doors she learned that he had gotten sick of waiting for her so he set off to a party at a house down the road.

Cursing him for going out on his crutches in this snow and ice, she raced off to find him. As she entered the house, she smelled pot and saw booze everywhere. She asked a few people she recognized if they had seen Peter and they seemed hesitant to answer her. She finally found him, cuddled up with some blonde on the couch playing Never Have I Ever.

She froze. Peter, clearly drunk and probably high, saw her and shouted out “Never Have I ever Made out in a Hot Tub!” and then drank with a flourish. “Covey! My partner in crime! What’s up?” She turned on her heel and left. She was halfway back to his dorm when she heard his crutches behind her. He was stupid fast on them and she cursed her short legs.

“Covey, hold on. Come back to the party!” She whirled around and there he stood, smug look on his face. She wanted to slap him so hard.

“Do you know what I did today? I drove through the snow to get to you. I was on the road for 6 hours just so I could see you. I finally arrive and find out you are at a party wasted out of your mind cuddled up with some girl?!?”

Peter scoffed at her, “She wouldn't leave me alone but she knows I have a girlfriend. C’mon, I was just letting off some steam, you know how it is right now.”

“Peter, you can’t keep using that excuse. You blew out your knee, you can’t play Lacrosse anymore, but guess what the world is still turning!! Find a new hobby!” She regretted it the minute it came out, but that was the thing with her and Peter. You can’t have that much passion without having that much fire too.

“Oh you are one to talk! Little innocent Lara Jean, baking and reading her slutty books yet never really giving it up.” Lara Jean hit him that time, a clean slap across the face. She turned on her heel and walked away. Hell, she would sleep in his Jeep if it came to that. She heard him coming after her but she refused to turn around. It wasn’t until they were closer to her dorm that she heard the crutch slip out from under him and him hit the ground. Not even thinking, she turned around to make sure he was ok. He was on the ground, in a heap, and she could tell he was crying.

“What is happening to me? Lara Jean, who have I become?” She saw it then, the old Peter pushing through the pain, disappointment, drugs, and alcohol. 

"You are hurting Peter and I understand that but you have to let someone in or you are going to lose the few things you have left. You need to stop drinking and only take your meds when you need them. They are turning you into someone else, not the man I love. I will do anything for you but I can't keep being your punching bag. It's too much."

He grabbed her and squeezed her tight, "I'm sorry Lara Jean, I'll do better I promise. It's just so bad when you are gone and I don't know how to get through it. I find myself numbing the pain to make it until the next time I am going to see you. I just can't do this without you."

"Yes you can Peter. You are Peter Kavinsky and you can do anything. This is nothing, a bump on the road of an incredible life ahead of you. Don't let this one thing ruin you. When my mom died, it felt like life would never get back to how it was but it did. I still miss her terribly every day but life does go on. Look at everything I've achieved and gotten because I pulled myself back up after that. You can and will do the same. You just need to pull yourself back up and I will help you in any way that I can but it has to come from you."

She wrapped him up in her arms and just held him, praying for the nightmare to be over and her Peter to return to her. He was sobbing into her shoulder and she gave him time to come to terms with the night and the past few weeks. 

"Lara Jean, I don't deserve you but I am going to work on becoming the man you know I can be. I'm freeing, let's go." Peter leaned up and kissed her, pouring all the gratitude he was feeling for her in to that kiss. He would turn it around for her.

“Let’s get inside Peter, it’s cold and we have to make sure your leg is ok.” She helped him up, which was easier than it used to be since he had lost so much muscle. They slowly made their way back to the dorms and she helped him get into sweats and into bed. She moved to sit on Gabe’s bed but he grabbed her wrist.

“Don’t stay over there. Please sleep with me tonight.” “Peter, your leg, I don’t want to hurt it.” “It’s fine Lara Jean, I just need to hold you.” She slowly curled up next to him, very carefully moving her legs away from his. As they relaxed into each other’s arms, she thought to herself ‘It shouldn’t be this hard.’ Feeling his breathing relax, she relaxed into his arms too. That night they were both filled with so much hope that it would get better but sadly, it was truly the start to the end.


	12. A Shock Ran Through, Stage 3-Embrace It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am on the fence about this chapter but I felt like there needed to be a catalyst for her to take that first step toward Peter. Sorry if it seems out of place but it does drive the story forward.

Real Time

Lara Jean couldn’t go on, the rest of the story was just too painful. “I have to stop, I just can’t. I can’t talk about this.” 

She rushed out of the house and started walking down the street. Jenna was calling after her and she took off at a run, she had to get away from it all. She wasn’t even thinking that it was dark and she shouldn’t be walking alone. She didn’t have her phone with her or anything but she just kept walking, trying to push all those memories out of her mind. 

Once she calmed down, she realized that she was a little turned around and wasn’t quite sure how to make it back to her house. Cursing herself for storming out, she stopped to try to get her bearing and then she noticed them, 3 guys walking about a block and a half behind her but clearly in her direction. She decided straight was the best idea and just started walking. She could hear them coming up behind her a little faster now so she quickened her pace. As they caught up to her, she started to panic. How could she have gotten herself into this mess?

“Hey, wait up honey.” Ugh, honey really? She could smell beer and tried to quicken her pace but those damn short legs couldn’t carry her any faster. They came up alongside of her.

“What’s your name? We haven’t seen you around here before, need help finding your way back?” His voiced was slightly slurred but she could see his eyes were bright. She wouldn't be able to use his drunkenness against him.

“I have a place you can stay,” the one leered at her. They were on both sides of her now and it took everything in her not to panic. 

The guy on her right reached out and brushed his hand over her hair. A shiver of disgust ran through her. "I like your hair, it's so long." She felt the knot forming in her stomach, 'Not like this,' she thought. She could feel them closing in, trying to direct the way she was headed. How was she going to get out of this. A car passed but she was too scared to even call out for help. 

“What do you say? Come back to our place and----OOF!” The sound the guy made caused Lara Jean to look to her right. He was on the ground, grabbing his stomach and she heard another guy exclaim, “What the-“ before he started howling and clutching his nose. Then she saw him. Peter Kavinsky came up on the third guy, punched him in the face and kicked him to the ground.

“If you ever come near her again, I will kill you.” He turned away from them, grabbed her arm, and started walking with her away from the three lumps on the ground. She started shaking so terribly she could no longer walk. Peter scooped her up and placed her inside his Jeep, which was stopped in the middle of the road with the driver door still open. She hadn’t even noticed it was him that drove past her as she was trying to flee those guys.

“Lara Jean, are you ok?” Peter swiped his hand over her forehead, across her cheek, and then settled it on her shoulder. “Lara Jean?” His face was looking at her but she couldn’t respond. She nodded her head to let him know she was unharmed and he peeled out, weaving through the streets until he pulled into the parking lot of a random diner.

“I know it isn’t the Corner, but we have to get something in you before you go into full shock. Are you ok to come in otherwise I will bring you a Cherry Coke out here.” She was just staring at him. He was using so many words from their past it hurt her heart yet calmed her down. After all these years, he was still protecting her.

“I can go in,” her voice came out meekly.

He helped her out of the Jeep and walked her into the diner, settling them into a large booth and sitting next to her on the same side. The waitress clearly thought they were together as she gave them a little smile when she came up with menus. “We will take a Cherry Coke and a Chocolate Shake. Thanks.” His arm was still around her, rubbing circles into her arm and she could have closed her eyes and been back in high school. Minus the clammy hands and sick feeling in her stomach.

“How did you know where I was?” she asked looking at him. “Jenna. She came rushing over after you stormed out, saying you left without your phone and she figured you would get lost. Gabe & Trevor were both out looking too but I texted them when I found you. You were in a not so great part of town. What were you thinking?” His voice rose up at the end, as if she walked into the bad part on purpose.

“I wasn’t ok, Jenna was badgering me to tell her about us and I got so caught up in the story, I just had to get out of there. I wasn’t thinking.” The waitress brought their drinks over at that point and Lara Jean sucked half of it down in one gulp.

“Wow slow down there. Take some deep breathes, we all know how easily you pass out,” he said with a slight smile. “Sorry, bad joke. Just the thought of those guys doing something to you has me all riled up.”

“Why do you care?”

He looked straight in her face, almost disgusted at her question. “Just because our relationship went up in flames doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you. Of course I don’t want to see you get hurt.” He looked very angry at her accusation. 

She realized how silly her question sounded now, “I didn’t mean to imply that you would. I was just surprised to see you, that’s all. Thank you.” She nudged him a little with her shoulder to show her appreciation and he nudged her back.

“Ok well we should get back, the guys told Jenna I found you but apparently she’s still freaking out. I didn’t have her number to call her so she was worrying for a while before they got home.”

“Oh yeah, speaking of not having someone’s number, thank you for the coffee today. I meant to text you but assumed you changed your number and I don’t have your old one anymore.” She tried to pay but in true Peter fashion, he refused to let her.

They quietly walked back to the Jeep and she climbed in, remembering all those long drives they used to take before leaving for college. She shook her head to get rid of the memories. Those were all from a time that couldn’t be salvaged, but this thought didn’t stick as hard as it once used to.

As Peter got in, his hand brushed hers when he went to shift and a shock ran through her. After all this time, her body still reacted so fiercely to him. She saw the look on his face, knowing he felt it too. As he was removing his hand from the shifter to put back on the wheel, without thinking, she grabbed his hand and held it. No matter what the past held for them, she was beyond thankful Peter Kavinsky found her tonight.

They rode like that the whole way back, neither one looking at each other but that small connection shared between them. 

“Thank you.” She gave his hand a little squeeze as they pulled into her driveway. 

His eyes met hers, a familiar fire burning behind the worry from the night and pain of the past. “You are welcome. Also, my number never changed.”

Before she could say anything, Jenna burst out of the house and whipped open the Jeep door. Lara Jean jumped out as Jenna wrapped her up in her arms.

“Oh my goodness, you can’t just rush out like that! Seriously, do you have a death wish?”

She chuckled, “I’m sorry, I just had to get away from the memories.” She turned to thank Peter one last time, but she saw how his face had fallen and he quickly shifted into reverse and headed out.

“Dude, what the hell? That’s quite the way to thank a guy that just saved you from being raped.”

Lara Jean watched him pull in his driveway and walk into the house, giving her a quick glance before going inside. The past was such a terrible thing, gripping on to her heart and not letting go, but there was something nagging at her about his reaction to whenever it came up. Peter was always one to own up to his mistakes, so why does he look do sad whenever their last night together comes up?

It would be a question for another day as she headed into the house and up to her room. She couldn’t help but notice though that his light stayed on for quite a while and she wondered if he noticed hers did as well.


	13. Hey LJ, Stage 3-Embracing It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And just like that, the final night has arrived. Don't hate me but I am going to leave it hanging after this chapter. I will update again later today or tonight. 
> 
> Also please don't hate me for Peter's choices. Remember, they are endgame, even if it is too hard to envision after this chapter.

Real Time:

The next week went by without consequence, Lara Jean finally getting on to campus for some pre-school year activities, yet for the most part was enjoying just relaxing at the house with Jenna. The other girls weren’t due to arrive for another month so they were enjoying the quiet. The guys threw a party every weekend and Jenna typically went, but Lara Jean tried to give Peter space. She noticed something happening between Trevor and Jenna and she was happy for both of them. They were such great people and although she felt a slight betrayal of Chris, Trevor deserved someone like Jenna. Besides, Chris was off globetrotting and made it perfectly clear she didn’t have time to pine over a man.

One day, Lara Jean was deep into cookie baking to send to Kitty, trying to mend that fence, when she heard a knock on the door.

“Come in!” she shouted glancing around the corner and saw Trevor standing there smiling at her.

“Hey Trev! Jenna isn’t here right now, but I’m making cookies if you’d like to stay.”

“Score!” he shouted as he walked into the kitchen. “So how’s it going today LJ?” he asked as he pulled up a stool to their island.

“Pretty good, just trying a new recipe. Butterscotch Oatmeal. They smell delicious, but are so bad for you. Want one?” Trevor laughed and grabbed three, “Do you even have to ask?”

“So what can I do for you? Clearly you didn’t come to see Jenna.”

“Actually LJ, I came to see you. It’s about Peter.” Over the past week, she had seen him here and there but they had both gotten good at avoiding each other. She had that nagging feeling something was going on with him, but she was trying to convince herself that she didn’t care.

“Trevor, I really don’t think-“ 

He cut her off, “Listen. I know all the shit that went down between you guys, I was there for the end remember? What I don’t get is why you never questioned it?”

Lara Jean stopped in her tracks. “What?”

“C’mon. We all know he went through hell right after his surgery and therapy, but we also know Peter. He was in love with you, like badly in love with you, and was never spiteful in his life. He never would have done those things.”

Lara Jean almost dropped the cookie sheet. “Get out.”

Trevor laughed until he realized she was serious, “No Lara Jean, just listen to me.”

“No, I’m not listening to this right now. Did Peter put you up to this? I know you were his friend first, but how could you ever expect me to forgive him. When I saw her leaving that room…..well it was all of my worst fears coming true. I think a little part of me always knew he would eventually pick her over me.”

Trevor looked shocked and stood up quickly. “You’ve changed. You used to see the best in people but you are different now.”

“Yeah, talk to your bestie about that one. You harden up a little bit when your heart is shattered in front of everyone to see.”

“Oh c’mon Lara Jean! You have to be smarter than that! You have to realize he pushed you away on purpose.”

“Yeah, because the thing he wanted all along finally came back to him. Imagine how much it must have sucked for him to have had to pretend those years with me while waiting around for her.” She was livid now, who did he think he was coming into her house and bringing this all up again?

“Shit Covey, for being so booksmart, you are really dumb. Nothing happened between them. Peter made that shit up so you would break up with him and you could be free of the anchor he had become in your life. He saw what he was doing to you, what his reaction to the injury was doing. YOU were almost failing, YOU! He knew you wouldn’t stop coming so he MADE you stop coming.”

With that Trevor walked out of the house and left Lara Jean standing in her kitchen with the last set of memories crashing down on her.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Flashback:

They were getting together for a good old fashioned party at Gabe’s house with everyone reunited from High School. It was Christmas break from school, Peter was finally off his crutches, and they were going to celebrate a new year. Lara Jean was hopeful they could start off this year right and get back to the old Peter and Lara Jean.

She went out shopping and picked out a sparkly gold dress that was just a little more low cut than she normally wore and a little shorter. Along with getting rid of the crutches, Peter’s restrictions were also lifted, ALL his restrictions. They had waited long enough, tonight was the night Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky were FINALLY going to have sex.

She did her make up with a smoky eye, had Kitty do a very elaborate braid crown, and wore her best shoes. She couldn’t wait to see his reaction. She went downstairs to grab her coat when the doorbell rang. There he stood in all his glory. He had been allowed to start lifting lightly so his definition was slowly coming back and he was wearing her favorite midnight blue and white speckled shirt. It was so simple but made his eyes shine.

“Hey Covey” he said seductively while looking her up and down, but the look didn’t quite reach his eyes. She couldn’t wait to surprise him tonight. His mom and Owen were out of town on a trip so they were heading back to his place after the party.

“Hey.” He stepped in and gave her a long kiss on the lips and they heard fake barfing behind them. When he pulled away, Lara Jean saw a flash of something in his eyes, was that regret?

“Hey little LJ!” he said with a laugh to get a rise out of Kitty. She scowled at him and then wrapped him up in a big hug.

“It’s good to see that smile back. I didn’t like you so grumpy.”

He ruffled her hair and turned back to Lara Jean, “Ready to go?” She nodded grabbing his hand and waving at Kitty. “See you tomorrow” she said with a wink. She kept sneaking peaks at him, something was off with him, but she assumed it was just nerves of seeing everyone again after his injury. He still walked with a slight limp and it made him self conscious some days.

Peter held her hand the whole way to the party. When they pulled up at Gabe’s house, he turned to her and stared so intensely Lara Jean had to look away. “Are we going in or….?”

Peter just chuckled and said, “I just want to thank you, for being there for me this whole time. I know it hasn’t been easy but I truly appreciate it.” He kissed the back of her hand and then they hopped out. It was odd, she felt the love that he had for her, but there was a nagging feeling in the back of her mind, almost as if he was saying goodbye? No, that couldn’t be it. She must just not be used to having her old Peter back. She hopped out, grabbed his hand and burst out laughing as he twirled her into his arms for a long kiss before heading inside. That was the last moment she remembered being happy. In 30 minutes it was all going to be a distant memory.

Peter had slowed his drinking at college, weaned himself off the painkillers, and seemed to be doing better, but tonight he seemed to be on a mission. Lara Jean watched him chug beer after beer and tried to get him to slow down. He brushed her off, claiming he was just reuniting with the boys. She saw Gabe glancing at him too, a worried expression on his face, but she tried to stay relaxed. Suddenly she was picked up and twirled around and came face to face with Lucas! She squealed and hugged him tight!

“Tell me everything!” Lucas had heard rumors of Peter’s injury but was so busy he wasn’t able to reach out to her. They found a spot on the couch and talked the night away, Lara Jean leaving out the nastier parts of the past three months so Lucas wouldn’t judge her too much for staying with Peter. She saw Peter sneaking glances at her every so often from the beer pong table. First it started sweet, he would send her a wink or blow her a kiss, but as the night went on it seemed to be him just staring at her. It was almost like he was trying to memorize her face. Suddenly she realized how much time had passed and she jumped to find Peter to kiss him at midnight.

As she searched room after room, she saw Gen coming out of a bedroom. 

‘Wow’ Lara Jean thought, ‘not much has changed there.’ Gen saw her and her face went white looking shocked to see her there, which Lara Jean thought was strange. Lara Jean would have brushed it off but the next second Peter came out of the bedroom fastening his belt. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her.

“Hey LJ,” he said slurring slightly. As if nothing were wrong. As if he hadn’t just come out of a bedroom with his ex. As if her life hadn’t come full circle from the day those damn letters were sent out. Gen looked back and forth between the two of them and started to say something, but Lara Jean was not going to stay for her victory lap.

Those were the last words she heard come out of his mouth as tears blinded her eyes and she stumbled out of the party. He didn’t even come after her. It was Gabe that gave her a ride home, from his own party. It was Gabe that held her in his arms on her porch as her whole world crashed down around her. It was Gabe that finally got her up into her room and left her in the care of her sister, who had no idea what was going on. "Where's Peter?' she kept asking causing Lara Jean to cry even hard. "Is he ok? What's going on?" Lara Jean couldn't answer her and after a while, Kitty left. 

Lara Jean could hear her phone going off repeatedly but just reached over and shut it off. There was no way she was going to read anything anyone was sending her right now.

Lara Jean couldn’t even sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Gen walking out of that room and Peter’s unashamed face as he walked out of that door right behind her. She didn’t think there were tears left in her body but somehow she found them.


	14. Did It Actually Happen?, Stage 3-Embrace It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so there it is. Now we repair it. I edited this during an inspiration today. I felt like it needed Peter's backstory during that time as well. I included a flashback toward the end that digs deeper into Peter's spiral downward. The next few chapters will have it to explain his terrible choices and what he was doing for the past 4.5 years. This was a little tricky to write because I have a few surprises coming in the Real Time version of the story that I didn't want to spoil in the new Flashbacks I added so there are some vague references in Peter's Flashback which will be cleared up later in the story. I was going to put his flashback later to avoid that but it made the most sense here, so bear with me.

Real Time

Lara Jean was snapped out of her walk down memory lane as Jenna arrived back home. She was sobbing in the kitchen and Jenna came in and wrapped her arms around her. 

“Get it out, you have to say the words out loud so you can finally start to heal. Finish the story,” Jenna murmured into her hair.

Lara Jean sighed and told her the rest, Jenna gasping in horror as she told her what Peter had done.

“Well you were right. He is an asshole.”

Lara Jean didn’t think she had any tears left in her body. She quietly said, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to come here, get our graduate degrees, and move on. I wasn’t supposed to see him again.”

Jenna smoothed her hair down and calmly said, “I know, but honestly, did you really think you could hide from him for 4 years?”

“I didn’t know he was still going to school here. I haven’t had any contact with him since that party.”

“Don’t be mad…” Lara Jean looked up. Oh boy. “But Trevor and I were talking about it and he already filled me in on that night. I just knew you needed to get it out to fully heal. It’s amazing what speaking those things out loud will do for you.” Jenna took a deep breath, knowing Lara Jean wasn’t going to like this next part, “Anyway, Trevor, well…..he said that it didn’t actually happen. Peter made it look like something happened to push you away.”

“Not you too! I just threw Trevor out of here, don’t make me throw you out too.”

“You threw Trevor out of our house?” She looked appalled. “Seriously LJ, did you ever ask him about it?”

“Ask him about it? What, like, was it good for you? I know what I saw!”

“No you know what he wanted you to see. You said it yourself, he was not himself after that injury.”

“What would you know about it Jenna? What would you know about what I went through?”

“You are right Lara Jean! I don’t know about it because you literally never talked about your past. You refused to speak a word about anything that happened to you before that night. It’s as if you didn’t exist until 4.5 years ago. I can’t understand what you went through if you don’t tell me!”

Lara Jean was shaking with anger. “Would you like to know what my life was like? Let me recap for you: I was shy and ignored. My sister thought it would be fun to mail out some love letters I wrote when I was young and stupid. Peter received one. He wanted to make Gen his ex-girlfriend, my ex-best friend, jealous and I wanted my sister’s ex-boyfriend to think I didn’t like him so we pretend dated. We started to like each other. I finally took a leap and started kissing him in a hot tub on a school trip and Gen recorded it, posted it, and tormented me with it because he picked me. We broke up and got back together. Then we broke up because I couldn’t get over his past relationship with Gen. Then we got back together. Then we broke up because his mom didn’t like me and didn’t want me to distract him in college. Then we got back together and then he blew out his knee. So excuse me if seeing him come out of a room, fastening his belt, with Gen didn’t send me into a tailspin. And if nothing happened, imagine how messed up it was for him to use her and the idea of sex to get me to break up with him, my two MAJOR insecurities,” Lara Jean sat down and took a deep breath.

Jenna was just staring at her, “Ok wow, Trevor left a lot out when he told me it was a complicated start to your relationship and a terrible end.”

Lara Jean let out a laugh, “Yeah, that is really putting it lightly. Trevor always did like to gloss over things. So much shit has happened between Peter and I, what’s the point in finding out if it happened or not?”

“Because of the way that boy looks at you when you aren’t looking. And the way you look at him when you don’t think anyone is watching you”

Lara Jean’s head snapped up, “What?”

Jenna chuckled, “Of course you wouldn’t notice, you only get to see the wounded puppy dog. When you aren’t looking, that boy can’t take his eyes off you. He is so desperately in love with you it’s disgusting. The guys joke about it when you aren’t there. Peter gets very angry but you can tell it’s true. And I’m sorry but you moon over him constantly. You body is so in tune with his. He turns, you turn. He shifts, you shift. It’s like your body is constantly fighting to stay close to him. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen your hand twitch when you walk by him as if you want to grab his hand or touch him in some way. You two are magnets toward each other; you just have your magnets facing the same direction. Turn that around girl and follow your heart.”

Lara Jean let out a big sigh. She refused to believe that Peter could have any feelings toward her, but it was really just her being stubborn to admit she had the same feelings for him.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, I need alcohol.”

Lara Jean decided tonight was a good night to get drunk. Jenna burst out laughing and grabbed the tequila bottle, two shot glasses and led LJ onto the porch. After a few shots, she suggested that they play Never Have I Ever. Lara Jean was losing terribly. Jenna had done so much and Lara Jean had barely lived. After she broke up with Peter, she became a straight A student, and withdrew into herself more than ever. She never went out, she never went on dates, she poured herself into her schoolwork and eventually graduated Suma Cum Laude from UNC.

After she was well in the bag from that game, Jenna suggested Truth or Dare. Lara Jean should have seen it coming but someone once told her, ‘For someone so book smart, she really was dense’ so she had no idea.

After a few innocent rounds, it was Lara Jean’s turn. Jenna had been harassing her about her lack of dares and she was finally drunk enough where it bothered her. She replied, “Dare,” and waited. Jenna got a devilish grin on her face and said, “I dare you to go to the boys house and demand Peter tell you the truth from that night.”

Lara Jean almost died. She couldn’t back down, she had just given a drunken speech to Jenna about how she couldn’t back down from the dare to flash the next car driving by as it was at the heart of the game to push you to your limits.

“You are a bitch.” Lara Jean stood up, slammed her next shot, and walked over to the boy’s house. Of course it was a rare quiet weekend without a party, but the boys were still in the backyard at the fire pit. She saw him sitting there and her heart again betrayed her. She had a sudden urge to run her fingers through his hair, but stuffed that down deep.

She marched right up to them and said, “Peter Kavinsky, I’ve been dared to ask you whether you actually cheated on me with Gen that night at Gabe’s party.” All the boys stopped talking and stared at them. Drunk Covey standing over Peter, who was looking incredibly uncomfortable, was a sight to see. Trevor and Gabe exchanged a smile; so thankful these two were finally going to talk about it.

“Well, did it or did it not happen?” She could see Peter looking from Trevor to Gabe, asking what he should do. One by one the boys stood up and excused themselves from the fire pit. The last to leave was Trevor but instead of going inside the house, he started to walk toward her house and Jenna.

“Hey, T!” Lara Jean called out. He turned back to her. “I know you put her up to this, I’ll deal with you tomorrow.” His face blanched slightly and he jogged away laughing. She swayed slightly and stood in front of him with her hands on her hips.

“Ok, spill” she said staring him down.

He stared at her right back and responded, “No, it didn’t happen.” Lara Jean’s word turned upside down and then she passed out.

Flashback

Peter was still reeling from that unexpected visit to his dorm room but his mind was spinning. He knew he was holding her back, he knew she was suffering academically. Prior to today, he just couldn’t entertain the thought of letting her go because she was all that was holding him together. If he hadn’t had her through all of this, he wouldn’t have made it out. As he had those thoughts, he realized how unbelievably unfair that was to Lara Jean. She wasn’t his nurse and wasn’t responsible for his mental well-being. She was his girlfriend and he was expecting too much from her.

Now he had to figure out how to get a break-up to stick, because Lara Jean was passionate and stubborn. She was not going to let him do this. He went through a long list of ideas, all of which were worst than the last.

-Ice her out: oh god, his heart broke thinking of her mind reeling as to why he just stopped talking to her. Nope, can’t be that one.

-Say terrible, untrue things to her: She would see right through him, he would never be able to without her calling him out.

-Tell her he doesn’t love her anymore: Oh boy, an even shittier idea. Just like the previous one, she would see right through him. He couldn’t think those words let alone try to say them out loud. His throat was closed up already.

What was he going to do? He had two weeks to figure it out. She was coming home for Christmas and New Year break and he thought it would be best to do it then. She would have a few weeks to gather herself back together before heading back to school and he would have time to do the same. His heart was already hurting with the thought of not being able to talk to her every day and no longer being able to kiss her or hold her. He’s just glad he didn’t take any more firsts away from her. That way it wouldn’t be a soured memory every time she thought of it.

The guys knew something was going on but they were still icing him out a bit from his behavior in the recent weeks. He wanted to bring it up with them but they would have killed him. He knew all of this could be avoided if he could just pull himself together but that spiral was addictive and the numbing effect of alcohol felt really good when Lara Jean wasn’t around.

He realized that was the answer, he wouldn't have to give her up if he just pulled himself together!! He vowed he would try to fix himself up, so he didn’t have to do this. He once promised that he wouldn’t break her heart and he was going to do everything in his power to keep that from happening. He would prove to himself and his doubters that he deserved Lara Jean

**Two Weeks Later

He had tried so hard but the spiral had him in its grip. He skipped two physical therapy appointments because he was too hung over. Gabe and Trevor had really ripped him a new one and Gabe even had the audacity to tell Lara Jean about it. She showed up one day in the middle of the day to find him lying in bed wallowing. She banged in through the door, cheeks flushed red with anger, looking to fight.

“Why the hell did Gabe text me this morning that you skipped PT AGAIN?!? What are you thinking? Do you want to be a cripple? Do you want your knee to be like this the rest of your life? You are 18 Peter, you have a long way to go!”

He was so angry that Gabe called her and pulled her from her classes but Gabe wasn’t there. That anger had to go somewhere and Lara Jean was the only one in the room.

The struggle to pull himself up standing on his crutches only fueled his anger. He hated being on these damn things and wanted to throw them out the window. He felt so emasculated when he was hobbling around and couldn't do anything for Lara Jean.

“Why the fuck are you here? Don’t you have class? Why do you think I need another mother? Stop checking up on me and stop driving here. Your nagging isn’t helping me get better, it’s making me not want to see you. My leg is fucked up, it will be forever. I can never go back so what’s the point Lara Jean?”

Lara Jean leaned into the fight instead of backing away like normal. “Well, Peter, if that is your attitude during this whole thing, then I don’t know how to help you.” She turned and walked out. Peter slumped his head into his hands and took a deep breath. He grabbed his crutches and launched himself after her, why couldn't he just appreciate her instead of pushing her away.

He saw her slowly backing out of the parking spot and his heart lurched thinking of what she went through every time she drove here for him. He knew driving was still an anxiety filled chore for her, yet she never hesitated to come here. He took a deep breath and let the devotion to him to drive all those miles every week wash over him.

“Lara Jean, stop! Lara Jean!” He was shouting and he saw her look his way but she kept backing up. He wasn’t going to catch her on these stupid crutches. He dropped them and hopped/limped toward her as fast as he could. She saw him off his crutches and slammed on the brakes.

“What are you doing?” she yelled out the window. It got her attention.

“I’m not getting back on them until you get out of the car.” He kept limping toward her and he saw her sigh in exasperation. She pulled back into the spot and jumped out. She ran and grabbed his crutches and brought them over to him, thrusting them in her hands.

“Get back on these before you hurt yourself. What are you thinking?” He took a moment to really look at her. Her eyes were full of anger but not at him, at the idea that he would get hurt again. He saw the exhaustion behind it too from all the long nights on the phone and drives to UVA. He finally saw her and realized what he had standing in front of him and what he was doing to that incredible person.

“Peter. What are we doing?” Peter snapped out of his daydream.

“What do you mean?”

“What is this? Where is this going? I can’t keep going like this. I love you so much and it is going to kill me. I can’t keep sitting in my classes compulsively checking my phone waiting for the next text to come from Gabe or Trevor telling me what next stupid decision happened now in the life of Peter Kavinsky. I can't keep skipping classes to come here and set you straight or put you back together. This has to stop or it is going to break me.” She slumped on to the bench but he stayed standing. This was the clarity that he needed. He slowly crutched over, sat down next to her, and grabbed her hand.

“What do I even say? I have been a shitty version of myself and I don’t know that I can ever make that up to you. I honestly don’t know how to get back to the version of me before all this happened.” He couldn’t even look at her, he was so ashamed for all of his actions.

“Why do you need to go back?” She placed her hand on his cheek, turning his head toward her.

“So you don’t leave me.” There it was, his biggest fear. Even though he had been considering ending it with her, he was terrified one day it would be too much for her and she would walk away first.

“Peter, that is never going to happen. Do I wish these last few weeks would have been different? Yes. Do I understand that something happened to you that you had no control over and took away something extremely important to you? Yes. I’m in this for the long haul. Please don’t worry that I’m going to leave. We’ve got this, together.”

He smiled back at her and gave her a soft kiss. His throat was thick with emotion, listening to her pledging herself to him like that after all he had put her through.

“Let’s head back. My leg is killing me and I need to take some meds.”

That night, his leg hurt so badly he could hardly think. When Lara Jean was in the shower, he took an extra pill. He knew she would be angry but it was unbearable. When she got back, she found him lying on his bed and knew right away that he had taken another one but didn't say anything which Peter was thankful for. His mind was a little fuzzy from it.

She climbed onto the bed next to him and he rolled into her. “I’m glad you are back, I missed you.”

“I was just showering Peter. I will stay tonight but I have to head back early. I can’t miss my sociology test in the morning.”

He just snuggled in closer, “Uh, I wish you were here with me. This sucks. It would be so much better if I didn’t have to say goodbye to you. I don’t do well without you here.”

He started to gently snore and Lara Jean kept rubbing his head making Peter felt at peace.

He was still conscious when he heard her whispering to him, she must have thought he passed out, “I feel the same way. I have been talking to UVA Tech. I think I am going to transfer at semester. I can always reapply to UNC next year, but it will just be easier for both of us if I’m closer. I can get my core classes done and who knows, maybe I will get into UVA next year. I love you so much Peter.”

She placed a kiss on top of his head and slid into the bed next to him, setting her alarm for 4 AM so she could make it back in time for her test.

His stomach dropped hearing her say that. He tried to keep his breathing even so she wouldn’t know he heard, but that just confirmed that he needed to do the right thing and end it. He wasn't worth her future.


	15. The Truth Comes Out, Stage 4-Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This will start in Real time right after Peter told Lara Jean it didn't actually happen, phew, and then have another flashback picking back up the night of the party in Peter's perspective. I hope it isn't too hard to follow, I just like weaving past & present together.

Real Time  
He jumped out of his chair and caught her before she could hit anything. He carried her to the padded loveseat they had by the pit and laid her down. He sat down with her head in his lap and just stared down at her. She was so much more like the Lara Jean he remembered, before his actions caused her to turn into this tougher version she showed the world now. He let his hand run softly through her hair and she began to stir. Her eyes fluttered open to look up at him and he saw that split second moment where she forgot everything he did to her. She smiled up at him and his heart soared and then reality snapped back into her eyes and she tried to sit up to get out of his arms.

“Whoa, careful. You had a lot to drink, sit up slowly.” She was pushing against him though, fighting to get away. He finally lifted his hands off her and she pushed against his chest to stand up.

“What the fuck is going on Peter?” His eyes went wide, his Lara Jean didn’t swear, and then he shook his head to remove that thought. She wasn’t his anymore, hadn’t been for a long time. The fire was causing her eyes to flare and dance and he could see the passion and hurt in them but he could also see something else, a look he never thought he would see in her again. Hope. She was trying to hard to push it away. “Explain. Now. Fight club,” she spit out at him.

He let out a deep breath. This was the conversation he hoped he never had to have. To explain how much of a fool he really was to the one person that would call him out on it. His mom was gentle with him, reassuring him he had done the right thing just in the wrong way. Owen didn’t understand, so they pretended that part of his life never existed. Kitty had slapped him, but then cried into his shirt and made him promise to make it all better. The guys didn’t know what to say, so they just never talked about it. But Lara Jean, she just had to stand her ground and use their binding request to be honest with one another.

“Sit down, please.” He pleaded with her to sit; he knew he couldn’t do this while having her looking down like that at him. She sat on the loveseat but as far away from him as possible.

“Obviously you remember how I was after my injury.” She snorted, “Gee how could I forget? Let’s see, blamed me for it because I wouldn’t sleep with you, drank all the time, got hooked on your meds, ignored me, slept with Gen. Yep, I think my brain remembers.” Her words were slightly slurred but still sharp. For some reason, Peter couldn’t help but find her adorable in this state.

“Ok, that’s a great recap. Well, believe it or not, during my spiral downward I could see what it was doing to you. I couldn’t stop because it seems to be wired in to me to push away anything or anyone that might possibly help me through a tough situation, but I saw you. I saw how tired you were driving back and forth, I saw how hard you were working to keep up your grades, I saw the intense pressure you put on yourself to be there as much as you could for me during my therapy, despite me being a total jackass. It doesn’t excuse it, but it actually made me spiral harder. What kind of boyfriend was I to be doing this to you? Why couldn’t I pull myself together enough to get over the fact that I had lost Lacrosse and see that I still had you? Hindsight is a funny thing, you can’t see how much you messed shit up until after you’ve messed shit up.” He snuck a glance at her and he saw her steely gaze staring back at him. She was waiting to hear how this all connected to that fateful night.

“Anyway, I knew you wouldn’t ever let me break up with you. You would hold on until it killed you. Trevor and Gabe were on me constantly, they got to see you outside of my “injury bubble” and they kept telling me that I needed to get my shit together before I ruined both of our futures.” He paused to swallow; this next part was the hardest to share.

“Then one day, your dad showed up at my dorm room.” He couldn’t look at her. He was so embarrassed about this part. He heard her gasp, “He what?” His eyes met hers and the steel had a slight waver to it, just like always Lara Jean Covey was trying to protect him.

“Yep, I opened the door thinking it was you and there he stood. ‘We need to talk’ he said pushing his way into my room. I was stunned and slowly turned on my crutches to see him sitting in my desk chair and I knew I was in trouble. I closed the door and sat down on my bed, feeling like I was 5 years old again.” Peter swallowed hard and took a quick swig of his soda.

“He just started at me for what felt like eternity and then said, ‘You will either get over yourself and get your act together or you will break up with my daughter. Do you understand me?’ He was just staring me down. My dad was never one for the quiet anger, he liked to yell and throw things, but let me tell you the quiet anger is far more terrifying.” He heard Lara Jean chuckle and he looked up at her nodding along with him.

Lara agreed with him, “Oh yeah, my dad has perfect the disappointed voice and hard stare. I can’t believe you survived the Dan Covey shake-down. Kitty’s gotten it the most, but I did get to experience it after the hot tub video.” Peter shook his head, remembering that time in their lives. He was terrified to go over to Lara Jean’s house for weeks after that video leaked.

Peter continued, “Well he just sat there and I suddenly realized he was waiting for me to answer. I didn’t know what to say so I just replied, ‘Yes sir.’” This made him laugh, apparently calling him sir made him feel old.” 

“Anyway, he just looked at me and said ‘Peter, I know you are going through an extremely difficult time right now. I can’t imagine losing something that has been a part of your life for so long and right now a year in physical therapy seems like a long time, but it is such a small moment in your life. In 10 years, you are going to look back on this and barely remember it. But what you are doing to Lara Jean will stay with you for the rest of your life. She is failing 3 of her classes and on the verge of being put on academic probation. She will never tell you this herself, but I refuse to watch my daughter drive her education into the ground just to keep you from killing yourself while partying.’ I had no idea he knew so much about what I was doing but apparently he and my mom were good friends and Gabe was keeping her updated just like he was doing for you. I sat there stunned for a moment and was finally able to speak. ‘She’s failing?’ He nodded his head at me and my heart plummeted. Here I thought I was just hurting you emotionally-not that that was any better, but to jeopardize your future, that I couldn’t live with.”

Peter stopped, Lara Jean had tears running down her face and it took everything in him not to gather her in his arms. She took a breath, wiped her face and said quietly, “I can’t believe he visited you and told you that. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Lara Jean, you know exactly why. You would have rationalized it away. You would have told me you could take summer school to catch up or it would all be fine or you would just go another year but we all know you would have gone until you burned your bridge at UNC. You would have given it all up for me and I wasn’t worth it.” It was his turn to have a tear slip out and he felt her hand brush his face. He tried to keep his body from moving but he couldn’t help it and leaned into her touch. 

“You were always worth it Peter, you were just lost. I wish you had been honest with me. We would have found a way. Fight Club remember?” He smiled at her and nodded but said, “See, that type of thinking is exactly why I knew I had to end things. If I hadn’t been drunk all the time or having other issues, I would have done it kinder and for that I can never apologize enough. What I did to you was the most heartless thing I’ve ever done and I live with the horror of the look on your face everyday.”

He had to stop, it was too much but then her hand moved to his and gently squeezed. “Just finish Peter, tell me the whole story.” She gave him a very small smile and it made him surge on.

“Well, as you know, that night I drank a lot. I knew I had to break up with you and it was tearing me apart inside. Drunk Peter doesn’t make very good choices and I had no idea how I was going to do it. Honestly, nothing happened in that room. She had heard about the game and my injury and I showed her my scar. She hadn’t seen you there and since I was so out of control, she thought we had already broken up. After you ran out, she turned and slapped me so hard I fell to the ground. She tried going after you and then came back and said Gabe already had you in his car taking you home. She hasn’t spoken to me since, which I completely deserve. So there it is, the fall of the Cafeteria King Peter Kavinsky into utter douche-dom, following in the footsteps of his sleezy father.”

Peter made a move to stand up but Lara Jean put her hand on his arm. “Do you have any idea what that did to me? How badly I was affected for so long? Am still affected by that?” Peter pulled away, “I have some idea because I’ve been holding on to that night ever since too. I’m just glad you made it through.”

“Made it through? I didn’t leave my dorm for weeks. I actually was put on academic probation, had to complete summer school, and write a letter to save my place at UNC. I was almost kicked out. One day Margot showed up at my dorm and knocked some sense into me. She stayed for a week on her Spring Break and got me functioning again. I never dated after you, freaked out any time a boy tried to flirt with me. I am still messed up. Hell my major even revolves around your trauma!” Lara Jean was suddenly angry at his idea of a “good way to break it off. She stood up to storm off but Peter caught up with her.

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

She whipped around, “I’m a physical therapist and sports counselor. I help athletes deal with traumatic injuries. I work with them to not only get physically better, but mentally healthy as well. It killed me watching you go through that and not knowing how to help. If I can spare one person the amount of pain you and I went through, I will consider my life complete.” She turned to walk away again but turned back around. “Did you think so little of me that if you had an honest conversation with me I wouldn’t have understood? ‘Lara Jean, I’m dealing with so much right now and I can’t ask you to keep coming for all of this. You need to focus on you.’ I would have understood!” She was yelling but she didn’t care.

Peter laughed, “Oh yeah, you would have walked away! What a line of bullshit! You would have dug your heels in more. You were already looking to transfer to UVA Tech for the rest of the school year to be closer.”

It was Lara Jean’s time to laugh but it came out as a huff, “I mentioned that once, when you were in your Oxy-filled stupor one night. I wasn’t serious; it was more of a threat to get you to pull your shit together! I didn’t realize you actually heard me, I thought you were passed out!”

“Well I wasn’t and that started it. I knew you wouldn’t take a breakup lying down. I knew it had to be something to drive you away.”

“Well, congrats. You did just that. Have a nice life Peter Kavinsky.”

She stormed off, into her house, and slammed the door. He slumped right down onto the grass, wondering where they go from here. He still loved her so much, had never stopped loving her, and right now all he wanted to do was run up to her room, grab her and kiss her.

Flashback

The guys were very angry with him. He told them that he planned to break it off with Lara Jean. Trevor wouldn’t even look at him, said he couldn’t stomach the sight of his face. Gabe was a little calmer but still so livid.

“What are you thinking? You torture that girl for months, threaten her place at UNC, and now you are going to break it off? You are dumber than I thought.”

“That’s exactly why I’m doing it Gabe! I can’t let her transfer to UVA Tech. What kind of person would I be if I let her throw her education away because I can’t get it together? I’ve been trying to do better but I don’t think I can. I just can’t watch myself destroy her life along with mine. At least here she will be free of the anchor that I am.” He ran his hand over his face, he had made up his mind and not even Gabe could change it.

Gabe scoffed at him, “Why don't you just talk to her then?"

"Oh yeah, that would go over well. Lara Jean would just agree and walk away," Peter said with a sneer.

Gabe shook his head at him, "Whatever man. Just do it gently but firmly. You are right, she is not going to accept that and I am not going to be a part of trying to keep her away from here.”

Gabe walked out and Peter felt like the whole world was against him. Before he even realized, he had downed a full beer and it made him hate himself even more.

~~~  
It was the night of the New Years Eve party and Peter still hadn’t figured out how he was going to break it off with Lara Jean. It had caused him such anxiety all week; he had a hard time even talking to her on the phone. She was so bubbly and so hopeful for the future. He was getting ready at home, glad his mom and Owen weren’t here to see how nervous he was. They would have known something was up. He decided he would give Covey one last night, one last memory of them before he threw it all down the drain.

He pulled out what he knew was her favorite shirt, the midnight blue one with white specks. He threw on a pair of chinos and sat down to read the letter she had written him all those years ago one last time. His eyes filled with tears at that hopeful girl in that letter. He should have just stayed away from her, her life would have been so much better without him ever interferring.

It was time for him to go pick her up and he was a ball of nerves. His leg was aching slightly from all his pacing tonight and he hated the thought of limping around all those people from high school. He popped a pain pill even though he knew he would be drinking tonight.

Pulling up to Lara Jean’s house, he had to sit in the car to compose himself. This was a happy night.

He walked up and knocked on the door. When it opened, his breath was taken away. She wasn’t going to make this easy. She was stunning in a gold sparkly dress that showed off a little more skin that she normally did. Her eyes were stunning. His heart broke at the wide smile on her face at the sight of him.

“Hey Covey” he said but he felt it. It wasn’t as deep as it normally was. He was already pulling back. He saw her do a slight double take in his direction so he quickly recovered. Stepping in and kissing her in response to her ‘Hey’ he tried to pour everything he felt for her into that kiss. He didn’t know how many more he would get. He heard someone fake barfing behind him and he pulled away.

He saw Kitty and his heart broke some more, he was going to lose her too. He loved Kitty and her fiery passion for life. He was going to miss her.

“Hey Little LJ!” he said to her, greeting her like he had the first time. She scowled at him but then wrapped him up in a big hug.

“I’m glad to see that smile back. I didn’t like you so grumpy.” Even Kitty had noticed how off he’d been. He ruffled her hair and turned back to Lara Jean.

“Ready to go?” he asked holding out his hand to her. She nodded and wrapped her hand in his, he reveled in the feel of it. He was committing each of these to memory so that he would always have these moments with her.

When he pulled up at Gabe’s house, he didn’t even know if he could go in. What was his plan? He turned to look at Lara Jean, wanting to admire her face one last time. He must have been staring too intensely because she asked if they were going to go in or not. He shook himself out of it and laughed a little.

“I just want to thank you, for being there for me this whole time. I know it hasn’t been easy but I truly appreciate it.” Her eyes flickered, he panicked thinking she heard something in his voice giving him away. Kissing the back of her hand, he jumped out and tried to distract her and himself by twirling her and wrapping her up into his arms. That laugh! He was going to remember that laugh.

As they entered Gabe’s house, he could feel the ease of the painkiller he had taken settling in, loosening up his inhibitions, which was the last thing he needed tonight. He should not have taken that but there was only forward to go. His nerves were getting the best of him. When should he break it off with her? How? What would she say? What would she do? His mind was spinning and he needed to make it stop.

He grabbed the nearest cup and downed it. He grabbed another and did the same thing finally finding a little peace in his mind.

“Peter, take it easy. What’s going on with you?” Lara Jean asked but he just shrugged her off. He stopped and slammed a bear with Hank, a guy he used to play Lacrosse with at Adler and just that memory began the tailspin.

Eventually Lara Jean found Lucas and she settled in on the couch with him while Peter continued his downward spiral. Every person he saw from high school reminding him of his life before the injury and causing him to spiral a little further.

He kept stealing glances at Lara Jean, at first covering it up with kisses blown and winks. He wanted to keep her smiling since he knew soon she wouldn't smile at him any longer. Seeing her so happy and free for the first time in months with Lucas caused him to dig in deeper though. Why couldn’t she smile like that with him? Why did they always have to talk about his injury? Why did she always have to have those pity eyes when she looked at him? The mixture of meds and alcohol weren’t doing anything for Peter’s mood.

He had to get out of there or he was going to explode. He slammed the beer in his hand and walked toward an open bedroom on the first floor to try to clear his head. There was no way he could drive Covey home in this state and he was terrified of what he would say to her right now.

He sat on the bed, sorting through his thoughts desperately trying to sober up, when he heard a gentle knock on the door. He thought for sure it would be Lara Jean when he looked up, but it was Gen.

“Hey, can I come in?” she asked. She looked so different. She was wearing a UVA Tech hoodie, jeans, and flats. Not the skimpy dress and high heels of high school. Apparently she had grown up while he spiraled down.

“Sure.” It was all he could say, his head was spinning.

She sat down beside him but left some space. “I heard about the game. I’m so sorry Peter. I know how much Lacrosse meant to you.”

He just grunted in reply, the room was tilting every so slightly. 

“I’m actually glad I saw you tonight. I wanted to apologize for everything I did in high school. Not only the stuff with Lara Jean but how I treated you when we were together and after,” she said, placing her hand on his knee.

Peter shook his head to clear it a little, “It’s ok. It was a mess and I did stuff I wasn’t proud of either.” Was he slurring as much as he sounded?

Gen removed her hand from his leg and looked him squarely in the eye. She always had a way of cutting right into him with a glance, “I heard about everything else too. Are you ok?” 

Peter assumed she meant his downward spiral into the worst human being ever. He just shook his head and a tear ran down his cheek.

“I’ve messed everything up Gen. I don’t think I can fix it. You have no idea what it’s been like since that day. I feel like everything was taken from me in a split second and no matter what I do I won’t ever get it back.” Her hand was rubbing his back now but she never moved closer. She had really grown; the old Gen would have been all over him, using this to her advantage.

“Can I see it?” she asked quietly, “Sorry, never mind. That was stupid.” Peter was already standing, closing the door to the bedroom.

“Yeah but I can’t get these pants up and over it so I have to pull them down. I’m not trying anything, just wanted to warn you.” He wobbled slightly, his leg unsteady due to all the alcohol in his system. Gen stood up and grabbed his shoulders.

“It’s ok Peter, you don’t have to.” “No It'd be nice to show it to someone that wasn’t there that day. You can tell me if it is really as bad as it looks. The guys always react differently because they saw it happen and Lara Jean-well never mind.”

He slid his pants down his legs, thankful he had worn his longer boxers today, and there it was. The pink scar that went from above his knee, down the middle, and ended a few inches below. Peter hated looking at it and his stomach rolled now at the sight of it.

“Wow, that looks like a bitch. How was the recovery?” Gen looked him square in the eye and he gave a low laugh.

“You always did know how to be direct. It sucked ass. PT still hurts so much but it is getting better. I just got off my crutches this week so it still gets sore and tired. I hate feeling so weak. I think that’s why I drink so much, takes my mind off it.”

Gen looked him square in the eye, “Yeah, that has to stop. You never were a kind drunk, no one needs that version of Peter in their life. You’ve got this, one day at a time. It will be over before you know it and you will be back to your old self.” She squeezed his hand and then realized his pants were still off and stood up.

“You should stay in touch, message me if you need a harsh dose of reality. I should probably get back out there. Emily and I promised the guys we would kiss at midnight,” she said with a twinkle in her eye. He forgot all about midnight, what was he going to do about Lara Jean?

Peter stood up and fumbled to get his pants fastened, damn why was he feeling so drunk all of a sudden? They might have to sleep here tonight. 

As they stepped out into the hallway, Gen first and Peter second still working on fastening his belt, he saw her.

There stood Lara Jean, her face a crumpled heap with tears streaming down them, as she saw Gen & Peter coming out of a bedroom together with his pants unfastened. He stopped moving and the whole house got silent. He will never forgive himself for what he did next, what the cocktail of drugs and alcohol in his system told him would be the perfect way to end this so she wouldn't come back. As Gen put it, Peter was not nice when the alcohol did the thinking for him and that’s exactly what happened.

As if watching himself from above completely shattering the one thing left in his life, he heard himself say in a horribly mocking tone,

“Hey LJ” and watched her run out of his life for what he assumed was the last time.


	16. The Only Guy, Stage 4-Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see the aftermath of the fight at the fire pit and then one final flashback for Peter, bringing him back full circle to the boy we love.

Real Time  
The next morning Lara Jean woke up with a terrible headache. She struggled to the bathroom and found herself emptying her stomach into the toilet. ‘Never again’ she said to herself. As she got up and wandered down to the kitchen, she saw Trevor sitting there. “Fuck me” she whispered and he turned around to look at her.

“Tsk tsk Lara Jean, ladies don’t swear.” He grinned but quickly wiped it off his face when he saw how rough she looked. “We heard the whole thing last night, but at least it’s all out in the open right now.”

“How could you let me believe that? When I called you hysterically crying on the phone, how could you listen to that and not tell me?”

“Well LJ, contrary to popular belief, boys don’t tell each other everything and I had no idea. Gen wasn’t talking to any of us so it’s not like I could get the story from her and Peter shut down. He became a robot that went to class and came home and partied all night. You saw his Instagram. One night some girl grabbed his phone and saw your picture on the lock screen and called him out for cheating. He lost it. He went on a rampage about how he was single and always would be because he was a piece of shit. The next morning he was a mess over the whole thing and that was the day he stopped drinking. He hasn’t touched it ever since. We all ignored him for a while, except Gabe who had to live with him, but it was clear that he needed someone so we slowly warmed back up to him. I’d like to say he’s gotten over it, but it’s not true. That day has haunted him for 4.5 years.”

“Good,” she said in a huff and she sat down cradling the cup of coffee she desperately hoped would cure her headache.

“You don’t actually mean that. Listen, do I think should ever forgive Peter? Well yes, but make him work for it. Honestly though Largie, you two are drawn together. How in the hell did you pick this house to live in? How did you manage to both pick the same graduate school? You know you believe in this stuff. You two are fated.”

Sipping her coffee she contemplated that thought. “I used to believe in it, the fantasy of meeting your one and only. Then I grew up or was forced to grow up. Pulling myself back up after what he did to me was the hardest thing I’ve ever done Trevor. I would not be able to survive that again. The worst part is, instead of just breaking up with me or ignoring me, he used my biggest insecurities against me. Gen and sex. I don’t believe in fate anymore. Fate would never match me up with someone that could cause such pain.”

Trevor shook his head at her, “You guys just get so intense. You can’t ever do anything small, it always has to be this big show. I truly believe you are meant to be together, you just met when you were too young.”

Lara Jean could agree with that, they were babies when they first declared their love for each other. “So I have no choice in the matter? He is the person I have to be with no matter what? I don’t think like that anymore, life isn’t a romance novel.”

“But what if it was. This is the breaking point in the book. The two characters are torn apart by a terrible event but eventually find their way back to each other. It all comes full circle. Listen, since I heard most of it last night, tell me this, why didn’t you ever date anyone after Peter?”

She scoffed, “Because of the breakup.”

“What is it you and Peter always say to each other? Fight Club? I’m calling you on that, Fight Club. I know that isn’t the reason. Why didn’t you ever date anyone after Peter?”

She looked up at him and wondered how Chris was able to give him up. Trevor was a remarkable human being. Closing her eyes, she let herself peel away the layer of hurt to find the truth underneath.

“Because, how do you date anyone after Peter Kavinsky?”

Trevor smiled, there it was. Lara Jean kept talking, “I mean, there were a few guys that I tried to take the next step with. I went out on one date. It didn’t last long. Every single thing he did I compared to Peter, which just made me angry because I didn’t want to think about Peter but my brain couldn’t stop. The guy clearly got the vibe I wasn’t interested because halfway through dinner he had an ‘emergency’ come up and had to leave. He dropped me off at my dorm and sped away. It was so embarrassing.”

Trevor was laughing at that visual but then got serious again. “Peter never dated either. The girls tried as hard as they could but he wouldn’t give them the time of day. At the parties, he usually just sulked in the corner for barely an hour and then headed home. After a while, he just stopped coming. I don’t know if there is hope for you two or how you even begin to bridge that gap but I can tell you this Lara Jean, he is waiting for you to come back to him. I think he always will be.”

With that Trevor got up and walked out of the kitchen and headed back to his house. Lara Jean exhaled loudly, remembering to breathe. She sat there for quite some time, her coffee getting cold, before calling the one person she knew would understand.

“Hey Kitty, can we talk?”

~~~

Since she was home for the summer, they met at the Corner Café, Kitty refusing to look at Lara Jean for the first few minutes.

“Kitty it is going to be really hard to talk to you if you won’t acknowledge my presence.”

Kitty huffed and finally peered at her with one eye, “What.”

She was still so feisty. Lara Jean smiled, thinking of that first day in the car with Peter, when he was surprised at the fire inside the youngest Covey. It’s what Lara Jean loved most about her.

“Well I have some news. You know how I’m going to UVA now for grad school. Well you will never guess who I’m living next to.”

“Peter. I know, he told me.” 

Lara Jean choked on her cherry coke. “What?”

“Yep, believe it or not, we aren’t all as gullible as you to believe that the coolest guy in the world would do the most despicable thing. Some of us actually believe in the good in people.” She crossed her arms and turned her head away again.

“How long have you been talking to him?”

“We never stopped.”

Lara Jean just stared at her. Her sister had been in contact with him this whole time?

“You never stopped?”

“Yes, are you hard of hearing now? When I heard what he supposedly did to you, I drove right over to his dorm room the next day. The first thing I did was slap him across the face in case he actually did it, which really surprised him. Do you know how much it hurts to slap someone? Anyway, then I handed him a Yakult and told him to tell me what actually happened. Once he did, I told him we should call you right away but he refused. He said that although his method was horrendous, you needed to be free of him. He hardly remembers that night but he said the only moment of clarity was seeing your face shatter when you saw him and Gen. He told me he needed some space and we didn’t talk for a few weeks. Then one day he called me to see if I would go to PT with him. He hated going to therapy alone so I agreed to go with him, I saw how sad he was that it wasn’t you sitting there but he pushed himself really hard. Once he was cleared for driving, we would meet once a week for lunch here. Dad wasn’t thrilled at first but I told him Peter needed someone.”

Lara Jean sat in utter shock, how had she not known that Kitty was seeing Peter once a week. 4.5 years and Kitty never said a word.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Well it was clear you two were never talking to each other again, so what was the point? You probably would have forced me to stop seeing him and I like Peter. He made me sign this crazy contract, calling it Fight Club rules, that I couldn’t tell you we were hanging out otherwise he wouldn’t come any more. I didn’t want to lose him too so I agreed.”

Lara Jean’s head was spinning. She had been so focused on school and so oblivious to the world around her for so long.

“Kitty, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this caused a rift between us and I haven’t been as focused on you as I should have been.”

“It’s ok, I realize you needed some time to heal, what he did was extremely shitty, but Lara Jean, how could you believe he would ever hurt you like that? That’s why I got so angry with you. How could you believe Peter could ever be that mean? Do you know how much he loves you? He hung out with your kid sister for 4.5 years. I never mentioned you that often, I could see it really hurt him but if it slipped out and I said some tiny fact about you, he would light up. I could see him filing it away in his Lara Jean folder in his head, just a tiny glimpse into your life now. That boy remembers everything about you and what you like. It was obvious every time we went to the café. He would play that song you always played on the jukebox over and over. He would order a Cherry Coke, get a plate of fries for the table, and always complain that the dessert was too dry or too crumbly. He was so hung up on you it made me sick sometimes.”

Where does she go from here? What does she do with this information? Lara Jean had no idea.

“You obviously get him back.” Lara Jean hadn’t realized she said that out loud.

“Kitty, it’s more complicated than that. I can’t just go running back into his arms. There is history and pain and what he did wasn’t right no matter how drunk he was.”

“Ugh, history is such a lame excuse. You are just scared. You are scared that he is the one for you, you are scared that it will be perfect if you take him back and you are scared that you just wasted 4.5 years when you could have been with him. That always annoyed me the most about you, how scared you were around him.”

Gosh, Kitty’s honesty could really cut deep sometimes. They finished their meal in silence.

“So what are you going to do LJ?” Kitty stared her right in the eyes, that steely gaze cutting through all her jumbled thoughts.

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Then you are a bigger idiot than I thought.” With that, Kitty got up walked out of the diner, hopped into her car, and drove away.

As Lara Jean watched her go, she realized everyone else needed a little more Kitty Covey inside of them. Brave, self-assured, and a little bit feisty. She sat there for a while by herself, ordering two more Cherry Cokes as she watched the sun get lower in the sky. She sorted through every thought in her head, making sure she was choosing this for her and not for anyone else. She processed all the stages of their relationship separately, making a mental Pro and Con list.  
-Peter and Lara Jean, pre-injury  
-Peter and Lara Jean, post-injury  
-Peter and Lara Jean, post breakup  
-Lara Jean, post break-up

As she analyzed every moment, every date, every kiss, and that near miss at their first time, she felt all the pain fall away. She knew it would take some time to trust him again, you don’t just let go of 4.5 years worth of hate and resentment, but for the first time she shut her brain off and just listened to her heart. The words that had always been loudest finally rang through once she removed the insecurities and assumptions that had ruled for so long. Peter Kavinsky was the only guy for her.

She squared her shoulders, paid the bill, and made up her mind on what she was going to do.

Flashback:

Peter tried to go after her but he was met with a vicious slap that sent him reeling to the ground. Gen had put everything behind that one. 

“What the hell Peter? I thought you guys were broken up. How dare you use me like that!” She turned and ran out of the house, hoping to catch up to Lara Jean. There was once a moment when she would have loved that look on her face but she was past that now.

Peter was left on the floor with everyone staring at him. People started filing out of Gabe’s house, unsure of what to do next. Gabe had sprinted after Gen and Trevor was just standing there, with so much rage on his face, Peter couldn’t stand it.

“Just do it. Please. Beat me, yell at me, do something. What did I just do?”

“You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you and guaranteed you won’t ever get it back. You are such a loser, just like your dad.”

Trevor turned and walked out of the house. Peter’s life was spiraling out of control and he only had himself to blame. Gabe returned home a little later but refused to speak to Peter.

“Just tell me you got her home safe?!?” Peter bellowed at him.

Gabe finally looked him, pausing in his clean up efforts, “No. You don’t deserve to know anything about her. You don’t deserve anything. Now because I am a responsible person, you will sleep here tonight. I already took your keys from your jacket, but the moment you are sober in the morning you will get out of my house and never come back.”

Gabe turned away grabbing another cup but turned back, “I will never hold Lara Jean while she cries over you again because you are never going to talk to her again. Do you understand me? You. Do. Not. Deserve. Her.”

Those were the last words Gabe said to him that night. Peter went into the room he had just been in with Gen and passed out. The next morning, he got up and left. He stayed at his mom’s house until it was time to go back to school. He hadn’t talked to the guys since that night. He knew they were having parties but no one contacted him.

The one time his phone did ring, his heart leaped when he saw the name Covey on it but soon realized it was Kitty. He ignored it until she called 5 more times. That girl was persistent.

“We need to talk.” He agreed to drive to her house, since no one else was home. As he pulled up to the house, it hit him. He had lost her. No, he had driven her away. He would never pull up to this house again.

He saw Kitty sitting on the porch waiting for him and he almost didn’t get out of the truck. He slowly walked up, ready to say something when her hand flew out and she smacked him across the face.

He just closed his eyes, knowing full well he deserved that. “Now that we got that out of the way, you are going to tell me everything and you are going to tell me the truth.” She handed him a Yakult and sat down next to him.

He started at the beginning, right before his injury and walked her through the past few months, up to when her dad came to visit and the night of the party.

“Ok well I officially hate you and feel sorry for you at the same time. What are we going to do about this?”

Peter chuckled slightly, leave it to Kitty to process all of that as quickly as she did. ‘There’s nothing to do. It’s over.”

“I refuse to accept that. If you tell her the truth, she will forgive you. You are Peter and Lara Jean.” It was the first time Peter actually looked at her and saw the child in her. She had always seemed so mature.

“Kitty, she won’t. There is no more Peter and Lara Jean. Even if she would listen to me, I don’t deserve her. There is no coming back from this.”

He heard the sob break out of her next to him and it broke his heart all over again. Her quiet voice asked, “What about us?” and he closed his eyes to stop the pain. What had he done? He had been so selfish and didn’t think of all the lives he was ruining with his actions.

“Hey, I just need some time to figure things out but I promise we will still hang out. You won’t lose me.”

“I’m not giving you time. If that was how you acted with my sister around, I am scared to think of how you will be without her. I refuse to let you spiral further. I’m going to pester you.”

“Thanks Kitty. I probably won’t answer for a while, but I appreciate it. I just need some space.”

With that Peter drove away from the Covey house for what he assumed was the last time.

Over the next month, his life was in shambles. His friends refused to speak to him, his grades and classes suffered, and all he did was party. Night after night he drank himself into oblivion, always ending the night staring at his phone and hovering over her name before passing out. He never called or texted though, she deserved better than to have to hear his drunken voice. He

One night, it all came into focus. What he was doing with his life, the example he was setting for Owen and Kitty, and how disappointed Lara Jean would be in him. He had no idea if she was following his Instagram, most of the shots were put on there by drunk girls like this one, but he let them do it. Let her watch his spiral from afar so she could be happy he let her go. 

This girl had grabbed his phone and saw the picture of Lara Jean cuddled up with him and went off on him for partying and flirting when he has such a beautiful girlfriend waiting at home for him.

He lost it. He turned on her and let out all the rage and hatred of himself from the past few weeks, “I am not dating anyone, I am single. I am an utter asshole and deserve to be alone. You sit here flirting with me but you have no idea what I’m like. I drove away the only good thing in my life because I was too much of a stupid jackass to realize what I had. She’s gone.”

He turned and walked out of the party and as he tossed his cup into the garbage can, still half full of beer, he vowed he wouldn’t drink another drop. Even if he never saw her again, he would become someone she could be proud of if she was still around.

He emailed and met with each professor and apologized for his behavior the past semester. He did all the make up work and pulled his grades back up. He had dinner with his mom and Owen once a week and called a counselor recommended by his former Lacrosse coach. That conversation was a hard one.

He walked into his coach’s office and was met with a look of sadness. “Hey Peter, why don’t you take a seat. So I’ve been keeping tabs on you and I have to say I was disappointed to find out how you reacted to your injury. I know this can be hard to cope with but I wish you had come to me.”

Peter flushed with embarrassment, “I know. I just couldn’t stomach coming anywhere near this place.”

“I understand that. How’s the knee healing up?”

“Good now that I’m back on track. I have some gains to make up for, due to skipping PT, but they are optimistic I didn’t lose too much progress,” Peter said rubbing the scar.

“That’s good. Listen, did I ever tell you the story of when I blew out my knee?” Peter shook his head.

“Ah, well similar to your story, a pesky hole in the field got me. Ended my career as well but then I found coaching. Now I’m not saying it is for everyone but I found that my love for the game could be rekindled into building the love for the game in others. I want you to think long and hard about your future with the sport. A natural talent like you doesn’t come around too often and I hope some day you are able to play again, even just for fun.”

“I don’t think I’ll be picking up a stick again.”

“Well that’s too bad. The sport needs you. If you ever change your mind, I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to welcome you on as an assistant coach. Kids would be blessed to learn from someone with such athletic abilities and depth of knowledge of the game.”

Peter was lost for words. This was the first genuine praise he received from an adult that wasn’t a member of his family in the past year. “Thank you coach. I will keep that in mind.”

As he got up to leave, his coach said one last thing. “Oh and Peter, I hope you will stay in touch and allow me to give you one last piece of advice.”

“Of course and I will always take advice.”

“Don’t be too hard on yourself for the things you did during that time. My wife and I went through a very rough patch after my injury and I didn’t think we would pull through but we found each other again. I saw how that young lady looked at you during the games and how concerned she was when you were hurt. You hold on to her, you two have something special.”

Peter felt a knot form in his throat but didn’t mention what happened. He didn’t want that prideful look from his coach to be wiped away. “I will do that sir.”

After leaving the coach’s office, he called Kitty, “Hey Kitty. Would you mind coming to PT with me? I really hate going alone and a yogurt smoothie after those sessions would be pretty nice. Oh yeah, definitely check with your dad. I can pick you up if he’s ok with it.”

As the weeks went on, Peter felt him finding his way back to himself. He saw Kitty once a week for PT and lunch at the diner, he was repairing the relationships with the guys, and he was finding his stride at school as well. The one thing missing was the one thing he knew he couldn’t have back but he slowly came to terms with it. Every now and then Kitty would drop a fact or mention of her, Peter never asked about Lara Jean, but he would file each new piece of information away and hold it in a special place in his heart, knowing this was all he could have of her now.


	17. There's No One Like You Covey, Stage 5-Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breathe a sigh of relief, they are on their way back to each other.

Real Time 

She arrived back at the house just in time to see a party starting. She ran into the house and found Jenna strapping on her shoes. “Are you going to the party?” Lara Jean asked.

“Yep, just finishing up. Want to come?” Jenna asked her.

“Yes, give me ten minutes.” Lara Jean ran upstairs and grabbed the dress she hadn’t put on in forever. It was the first dress she ever wore to a party with Peter. If this was going to work, she felt like they had to go back to the beginning. She found her black platform shoes and dug out that legendary hair scrunchie. She wound her hair up into it and hoped that Peter understood the reference.

Jenna raised an eyebrow at her, Lara jean hadn’t worn a lot of clothing from her former style, it always brought back painful memories like most things tied to Peter, but she looked so good.

“I need to go old school for this plan. I just have one more thing to do. If you don’t want to wait, that’s ok,” Lara Jean said grabbing some stationary and a pen.

“Ok, well I will see you over there I guess.” Jenna said as she headed toward the door.

Lara Jean was already too engrossed in her letter to hear her.

Dear Peter…..

She finished up the letter and sealed it in the envelope. She addressed it:  
Peter Kavinsky  
House Next Door  
Boy Who Stole My Heart

As she walked over to the house, she felt her palms get suddenly sweaty. She walked up to the front door and wasn’t sure if she should knock or just walk right in. The door was thrown open and Trevor shouted, “Largie’s here!!” He picked her up and carried her inside. She was laughing so hard and banging him on the back to put her down.

Once he set her down, he stepped back and smiled, “You look great Lara Jean. I remember this outfit, you made quite the statement that night when you came into that party with Peter. I’m sorry to say that he isn’t here right now though.”

Lara Jean’s heart sank. “Where is he?”

“It’s actually kind of funny and will make for a great story. If you think hard enough, you’ll know. He’s actually been going back there for a few weeks, since you’ve been back I think. It’s the first time he’s picked up a stick since that day. Do you need a ride?”

She smiled understanding where Trevor was sending her, “No I’ve got it thank you.”

She turned on her heel and walked over to her car. This all felt so perfect. As she wound through the familiar streets and pulled into that parking lot, she felt like it was a lifetime ago since she was here. Those two kids playing with the fire of a fake relationship seemed so young and foolish. How did they ever think they weren’t going to fall for each other? This time she parked skillfully next to his Jeep. When she hopped out of her car, she stopped and laid her hand on his passenger door for a moment. This thing held their entire relationship and she hoped many more happy memories.

She began walking out onto the field and that’s when she saw him. Darting and weaving through cones he had set up with his stick and helmet on. He was still so agile, although she could see the stiffness in that left leg. He fired at the goal, grabbed the ball and began to jog back to the start when he saw her. He almost dropped his stick.

“Hi.” It was all she could muster.

“Hey.” He took his helmet off and it took everything in her to not run and kiss him right then. She had to get through all of this.

“I drove here.” He chuckled at her. She could see the memory cross his face. “I hope you parked better this time.”

This caused her to laugh out loud, “You will never let that go will you. I wanted to get to you as fast as I could. Would you have rather I had taken the time to park and possibly missed you?”

His eyes were suddenly fierce, “No, I’m glad you rushed,” he said, his voice husky.

She walked closer to him. “Turn around.”

He laughed again but refused, “No, I’d rather not take my eyes off you. You are just as gorgeous as you were at that first party. Although, I like you better with your hair down.” He reached out and tugged the scrunchie out of her hair, snapping it around his wrist. The memories were overwhelming her.

"Also, I’m worried if I turn away, this won’t be real," he said so quietly but it made her heart leap. It had always been Peter, why had she waited so long?

“Ok, here goes.” She cleared her throat as she opened the letter with a flourish. “I thought this was appropriate.” He chuckled and she saw it all, the nose wrinkle, the scar, and the sparkle in his eye.

Dear Peter,

4.5 years ago I remember thinking you were the one and only boy for me. I have never loved anyone else like you since and I know I won’t ever find this again. I feel lucky to have found this so young as I was gifted more time with you than if we had met later in life but I also think this is our curse. To feel something so intense for someone at an age where you are working on figuring out who you are, can be disorientating. We burned too hot too soon and we weren’t ready for it. I don’t know that I will ever get over those three months following your injury, that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, pulling myself out of that, but I’m willing to try.

She heard him simultaneously hold his breath at that last sentence and then let it out in a woosh. She continued reading.

I know we could spend a lifetime going over it all and finding a way to make sure we never hurt each other again but that isn’t love. Love is messy, hard work, but most of all worth it. Someone wise once told me you can’t put love into a contract, you just have to trust. That is what I’m doing, I’m trusting you with my heart again. You are worth the effort and if you feel the same way about me, I am willing to give this a shot again. 

Despite what I just said, in the interest of staying true to our relationship style, I think we need just one small agreement:

I, Lara Jean Covey, swear to set the past aside and understand that although the methods were extremely shitty, Peter Kavinsky was acting in what he thought was Lara Jean’s best interest.

I, Peter Kavinsky, swear to grovel to Lara Jean for the rest of his life and give her rides in his Jeep because although she can do it now, she still hates driving.

________________________________ _____________________________________

“Do you have a pen?” Peter asked causing Lara Jean to jump. She was so engrossed in the letter that she forgot he was there for a moment. She cautiously held one up and he snagged it, grabbed the letter, put it on her back and signed it.

“Can I please kiss you now?” Peter asked making Lara Jean laugh out loud and she nodded.

He leaned in but then stopped.

“Covey, I know that letter says to set the past aside, but you have no idea how sorry I am for everything I did to you. I am prepared to grovel forever. I just have to do it from my feet as I can’t really kneel anymore. I have never stopped loving you and I will never stop making those months up to you.”

“Why are you still talking?” Lara Jean dropped the pen and paper onto the ground, jumped up into his arms, and kissed him. He kissed her back with such intensity she had to pull back and catch her breath.

“There is no one like you Covey.” They walked off the field hand in hand.


	18. You are Welcome, Stage 5-Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was satisfying. Now we get to wrap up our happy couple. I still have a few surprises up my sleeve though.
> 
> P.S. There is some steamy bedroom time in this one, FINALLY!

Real Time

As they drove back in Peter’s Jeep, leaving Lara Jean’s car to pick up the next day, Lara Jean kept smiling at him.

“So, not that I want to jinx this but what changed your mind?”

She turned to face him, “Not what, who. Kitty.”

Peter let out a breathy chuckle, “Of course. She is feisty.”

“Why did you tell me you kept in touch with her?”

“Oh yeah, because that would have gone over well. ‘Hey Lara Jean, sorry for making you believe I cheated on you so you would break up with me. Can I still see Kitty? Thanks!’”

She laughed and nodded her head, “Yeah I don’t know that I would have taken that text very well. So I have to tell you something else.” She suddenly blushed and got very shy.

Peter pulled into his driveway, turned the engine off, and turned toward her. “Anything.” He was really hoping she hadn’t changed her mind on the drive over but if she had, he would respect that. He would just have to find a different place to live.

“Well, remember the morning before the game, when we almost-“ Her throat stuck over all the memories and she closed her eyes to get control over herself. She felt his hand reach over and squeeze hers.

“We don’t have to talk about that day Covey.” It killed him how much of their past brought her pain.

Laughing she responded, “No, it’s not that. Well, after the breakup and need to dive back into school to get back on track, I didn’t have time for much else. I wasn’t up for a relationship at all but wouldn’t have had time if something had happened. Well, anyway, I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that, you know, I’m still a-“

She was a college graduate and about to start a graduate program and she couldn’t say the word! Thankfully Peter caught on and filled in the gaps for her. 

“You are still a virgin? How the hell does that happen? You are a catch. Boys at UNC are clearly undereducated.” Peter’s heart soared. The one thing he always regretted, beyond the treatment of her at the end of their relationship, was that he lost his ability to be there for her firsts. They had been so close that morning and it killed him he was never going to get to be that person for her. His only hope was when it did happen for her that she had found a guy that would respect her enough to go slow and take his time with her through her fears and shyness.

Her face was beat red and she wasn’t looking at him so he spoke up. “Well, Lara Jean, whenever you are ready, I’m happy to pick up where we left off.” He said it with a wink but then got serious, “If I’m being honest, I never had anything with anyone else after our breakup. No one appealed to me and it didn’t seem worth the effort of pretending.”

“Wait, so you haven’t……since?” She let out a breath. “Wow, I’m impressed.”

“What, like I was some sort of sex god before I met you? You know that isn’t true!”

“I know Peter but have you seen yourself?”

It was his turn to chuckle. “I have but it wasn't a pretty picture for quite some time. Plus I've got this gruesome scar.”

"I mean, I think it's kind of hot." Peter looked at her raising an eyebrow, "Down tiger." She burst out laughing and her heart felt so light.

Lara Jean realized this was going to be hard work but she knew they could get through it together.

“Well, want to go party? I’m fine if you want to have a drink. I don’t want to encourage you to fall off the wagon though if you are committed, just that I trust you and know that you are a different person now than you were back then.”

He suddenly got very shy and nervous. “Ok, I think I can have one beer. I won’t go crazy though.”

They walked into the party hand in hand and Gabe and Trevor started chanting “Covinsky! Covinsky!” and wrapped them up in a big hug. Lara Jean slid out to go find Jenna, who was smiling so widely, near the keg. “I’m glad it worked out. Now Trevor can shut up about getting the two of you back together and maybe we can finally get a little physical!” Lara Jean laughed, grabbed two cups and walked back to Peter who was chatting with the guys.

She stopped to admire him for a moment and she saw the old Peter returning. Laughing and joking around with the guys, he was standing taller and seemed to have a weight off his shoulders.

“Here you go,” Lara Jean said handing him a cup. “Wait, PK, are you sure?” Gabe asked, warily eyeing him up and down. “Yep, I think it’s time. Besides I have you two knuckleheads to set me straight if I ever come close to getting out of line again but I don’t think that will be the case.” He wrapped his arm around Lara Jean and leaned down to give her a kiss.

“If that’s the case, then we have an almost 5 year rematch in Beer Pong coming right now! Largie, want to join in? You can play with me so you know what a winning team feels like.” Lara Jean laughed, gave Peter her best ‘fiesty Kitty face’ and accepted Gabe’s hand to play.

Funny thing was she did party a bit in college and she had actually gotten pretty good at Beer Pong. The guys were thoroughly impressed with her accuracy. “PK your girlfriend is a ringer! It’s not even fair that we are on the same team! I love this girl!” Gabe shouted out, grabbing Lara Jean and swinging her around. And just like that, they fell back into step as if they had never left.

The rest of the night continued in the same fashion but Peter and Lara Jean never left each other’s sides. He always had his hand in hers, on her back, playing with her hair. There was a permanent smile plastered on both of their faces. When the party wound down, she found herself snuggled in to him on the couch and wondered why she had wasted so much time. There was always a little part of her that didn’t believe he could have done it but her fear of being wrong kept her from reaching out.

She turned to him suddenly, “I’m sorry for believing it. It’s just like with the hot tub video. Why do I always believe the worst about you? Are we doomed?” She felt her nerves building up, wondering if they were just headed down the same path.

Peter grabbed her face and kissed her with all he had in him. “Lara Jean, its water under the bridge. Please, let’s not talk about it again. Third times the charm right?” he said with a wink. She sighed and leaned back into him, kissing him back.

“Well I should probably head home,” she said standing up but he wouldn’t let go of her hand. “Ok, let me walk you to your door.” She stared at him surprised, “That’s it? You aren’t going to fight for me to stay over?”

“Nope, what you want, you get.” 

She had to laugh at this. This might be a lot of fun. “Well I don’t see Trevor or Jenna anywhere and our house is dark so I’m thinking they are upstairs. Would you like to come back with me?”

Peter’s eyes went wide but he took a deep breath, “Only if you want me to. Covey, we don’t have to rush this. I plan to make this one count this time.”

“I want you to come home with me Peter Kavinsky.” She started at him straight into his eyes with so much confidence, which was unsettling coming from her.

“Dude the girl asked you to take her back to her house, what are you waiting for?” Gabe said laughing. “I think 4.5 years is just long enough Peter. I promise, I won’t even barge in this time. Are your alarms off?” Peter threw his empty cup at him and Gabe dodged it. “Too soon?” Laughing, Peter and Lara Jean left the house and walked across the grass to her door.

“Honestly Lara Jean, I don’t expect anything.” “Shut up and kiss me Kavinsky.”

At these words, he pushed her up against her door and ran his hands down her body. He felt her shiver under his touch and slowly leaned his head in toward hers. Before kissing her he muttered, “I’m going to make this last.” The kiss was feather light on her lips and then he slowly trailed down her jawline, behind her ear, and down her neck. “Open the door Lara Jean.”

They stumbled upstairs, unable to keep their hands off each other. Kisses, grasping at clothing, and moans were the only noises in the house. They finally stumbled into Lara Jean’s room and she felt the back of her legs hit the bed. Peter slowly folded down with her covering her with his body. “Lara Jean, this is the last possible moment you could tell me you aren’t ready for this. I won’t be able to stop after that. I mean of course I’ll stop but….” She cut him off with a kiss, “I’m ready. Nothing is stopping us this time.”

Her hands moved to his shirt and whipped it over his head reveling in the muscles rippling there. He had always been fit but now he had grown into it, more of a man than a boy. She felt him grab the hem of her shirt and she lifted her body so he could pull it off. She knew she looked different. Getting into working out was a way for her to channel her anger. She had slight abs and was a little more cut than before.

“Lara Jean, you look incredible.” She gasped as he dragged kisses across her stomach. “Can I?” he asked, hand hovering over her bra. “Please or I will.” He chuckled and reached behind her, quickly unclipping her bra and removing the article of clothing. He didn’t waste any time, diving down to take one of her nipples in his mouth and sucking while massaging the other one with his hand. Lara Jean was moaning and writhing beneath him and he was acutely aware that it had been a very long time since had done anything and he might finish before they even start.

Her hands were fumbling with the button on his jeans at the same time as his. They switched and removed their own pants simultaneously, leaving them in their respective underwear and boxers. Lara Jean’s hand surged past the waistband of Peter’s boxers, grasping onto his throbbing cock so tight he saw stars. She began to pump lightly and he gripped her wrist, “Covey, it’s going to be a short and unsatisfying night if you keep doing that.” She blushed all the way down her chest, which made him love her even more and removed her hand. 

“Now, this is something I have been thinking about for quite some time.” His fingers slid into the sides of her underwear and the flashback as so intense she swore she could hear his phone ringing. He dragged them down her body, in disbelief that he was finally going to feel what it was like to be with Lara Jean. As he tossed the underwear on the ground, he could feel her moving under him to hide herself.

He stilled her with his hand, “Don’t. You are so unbelievably sexy right now. I want to see every inch of you.” He kissed her with a fierceness that took her breath away. He dragged kisses down her jaw, chest, and placed one on each breast before sliding down her stomach, leaving a trail of open mouthed wet kisses down her abdomen. He hesitated when he was centered over her mound, looking up at her to ask for permission.

“For the love of god Peter, if you don’t I will!” That was all he needed. His mouth clasped on to her center just as one finger pushed inside of her and he was pretty sure both of them lost consciousness for a moment. He glanced up at her while he worked her over with this tongue and he saw her grasping at the pillows and biting her lip. He felt her hand snake into his hair, pushing his head down harder into her and he smiled.

He drew back, causing her to whimper, only to blow some cool air on her clit and then directly suck on it as his finger pumped in and out of her. Her body tensed up but he wasn’t done with her yet. He pushed a 2nd finger inside, pumped a few times, and then a third. He wanted to make sure she was warmed up before they did anything else to try to avoid hurting her as much as possible. With three fingers inside of her, he turned them and curled them gently finding that magical spot inside of her and she cried out as he felt her clamp down on his fingers and then release.

“Oh Peter, was that…?” He pulled back and slid back up her body. “I’m guessing so. You are welcome.” She burst out laughing at the prideful look on his face when he used the quote from his yearbook. “You are such a tool.” “A tool that just got you off for the first time. Ready for round two?” He raised one eyebrow at her and smiled his best crinkle nose smile.

“Are you up for round two?” She rolled them over so she was on top and smiled coyly at him. Reaching into her dresser drawer, she pulled out a box of condoms. “A box Lara Jean?!? What happens in this room?” Peter acted shocked but he was very sure that box came from the one and only Dr. Dan Covey who was very proactive toward reproductive responsibility.

“Stick around and you might just find out.” She handed him the package, clearly unsure what to exactly do with it. She knew in a sense but figured it would be faster if he did it. She was whimpering as he was taking his time, torturing her. As he opened the package, he held her gaze.

“Lara Jean, this might hurt a bit, are you ok with that?” She leaned forward and kissed him hard on the lips, biting his lower one a few times before opening her mouth and swiping her tongue over his lips, asking for entry. Their tongues mingled and he almost forgot about the condom, his body thrusting up at her without thinking. She pulled back, “Yes! Now please just do it. We’ve waited so long!” She rolled back off him, positioning herself underneath him as he rolled the condom onto his very hard cock.

He positioned himself at her entrance and then leaned down to kiss her. “Grab my arm if you need to.” He kissed her deeply as he slowly pushed into her, forcing himself to last more than 5 seconds. She was so tight and felt amazing. He heard her whimper and immediately stopped moving.

“No, don’t stop. It feels……so…….good,” she huffed out underneath him. His gaze met hers and held it as he pushed the rest of the way in. Her eyes rolled back into her head and he slowly pumped in and out. Peter was trying to control himself, knowing he couldn’t go full speed right away. As he began to speed up, she started matching his thrusts with her hips. He could feel the end coming soon, cursing his lack of encounters for shortening the pleasure of this first time.

He picked up the pace and she was making the most amazing noises underneath him. Just as they were both going to finish, she looked in his eyes and said, “It’s always been you Peter.” That was all he needed, he felt himself fill the condom and their bodies slowly stopped moving. After they got themselves cleaned up, they curled up in bed together.

He felt Lara Jean’s hands sliding through his hair and he wondered how he got so lucky. How a woman like this could love him after everything they had been through would never make sense to him but he was not letting her go again. They lay cuddling for a while and then both got up and went to the bathroom to clean up. Peter pulled on his boxers and Lara Jean pulled his shirt over her head, causing him to wimper, they crawled back into bed.

“I love you so much Covey. I can’t even put it into words, but I do have this.” He got up out of the bed and walked to his coat. Reaching in the inside pocket, he pulled out an envelope. Looking extremely shy, he walked back over to the bed, climbed in, and handed it to her. He buried his face in her shoulder as she sat surprised at what she held in her hand. A letter addressed to her.

“Is this-“ she began to ask, but he cut her off. “Just read it.”


	19. There's No One Like You Peter Kavinsky, Stage 5-Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's official. Covinsky lives again. Just one more chapter to finish off the story and then the epilogue.

Real Time  
She ran her hand over the envelope, recognizing his tight scrawling handwriting.

Lara Jean Covey  
254 W. Lamberg Dr.  
Pierce Hall  
Room 304  
Chapel Hill, NC 37514

Flipping it over, she slowly lifted the flap and pulled the letter out. It was well worn, clearly he had read and re-read this quite often. She slowly opened it and glanced at him, his face flushed with embarrassment. He nodded toward it, telling her to read it.

Lara Jean,

Where do I start? I’ve never written one of these so bear with me. I don’t know that I can ever make up for what I did to you that night at Gabe’s house. Once I sobered up, I remember sitting on Gabe'c couch and all I could see was your face. The face I had always cherished, now twisted in hate directed at me. I knew that I had gone too far. He had a lot of choice words for me, which I completely deserved, and made me realize what you needed was time without seeing my “asshole face” as he put it.

If I could take these past two months back I would. If I could go back to the moment I was lying in that hospital bed desperately wanting to hold your hand, I would do it different. I would beg them to let you back when they said family only, I would set them straight that you are my family. I would accept every ounce of love you sent my way and understand that my life wasn’t over after that injury, it had so many more possibilities. Sadly, I don’t know that I will ever have the chance to make it up to you and that is something I will have to live with my whole life.

You are the love of my life and I know I will never find another person to love me the way you did. I still remember that night in John’s basement, now so many years ago, I had been watching you for so long and I finally had my chance. When the bottle landed on you, I couldn’t believe my luck. There you were being the best friend you could be to Gen and all I was trying to do was keep myself calm, I was finally going to get to kiss you.

All those years wasted with Gen, thinking I had won some sort of jackpot having her as my girlfriend while watching you from a distance. When I got that letter in the mail, I was over the moon thinking you felt the same way. The fake relationship was my way of staying close to you after receiving an excuse. I would have real dated you from the start if I could. I feel incredibly blessed to have had the time with you that I did and I’m sorry I didn’t treat you the way you deserved every second we were together.

What hurts the most is the fact that I only have myself to blame for losing you. How do you live with yourself when you’ve driven away the one thing you had always hoped for, the one thing that made you feel whole? It’s easier to hate another person but to hate yourself and have to live with that, it’s unbearable. The only slightly comforting thing I’ve held on to is something you told me in my kitchen all those years ago. “You can be mad at someone and still miss them.” I know I have no right to hope for it, but I hope that a tiny part of you still misses me, because that means there is a chance, a chance for us again. I hope that there is a day in the future where I get to see you again and say all of this in person and tell you how sorry I am. Sorry for using Gen and your insecurities about being physical against you. Sorry for being a major colossal dickhead (Trevor’s words) toward the one person that stuck by my side through it all.

I have never loved anyone like you Lara Jean and will never love anyone like that again. My heart will always be yours despite not deserving yours anymore. My hope for you is that you find your place in the world, someone to make you smile, and you kick ass while doing it.

With all the love I have,  
Peter Kavinsky

She looked up from the letter, “Why didn’t you ever send this?”

He just shrugged. “What would you have done if you received that in the mail?” His eyes were full of sadness and regret and she gave him a quick kiss to chase that all away.

“I wouldn’t have even opened it.”

“Exactly. At least here I could hold on to a piece of you, even though it is my letter. Setting this letter next to the one you sent me all those years ago somehow brought me a little peace of mind.”

“You still have my letter?”

“Of course. After I pulled myself out of the self-pity gutter I was living in, I took it out and read it. I cried more than I would like to admit, knowing what I had thrown away, but it gave me the smallest bit of hope. If you felt that way for me before we ever really knew each other, there was hope we would find our way back to each other. I knew it would be a lot of work and would be on me to fix it, but that hope kept me going.”

Lara Jean just stared at him. Stealing his line she said, “There’s no one like you Peter Kavinsky.” 

Peter Kavinsky never stopped surprising her. When they first started their fake dating thing, she had thought him shallow and a stereotypical jock, only caring about sports and girls. As she got to know him, he allowed her to see the depth to his mind and soul. It was seeing that in him that made her fall in love with him. It was also what brought her back to him. All those years of anger were dispelled because he was still that guy to the core. Underneath all that anger from his injury, bad decisions from drinking, and ugliness of that night, he was still that heart on the sleeve, loving man. The fact that he changed his whole life due to his decisions on that night showed her it wasn’t truly him that night at the party coming out of the room with Gen, it was his circumstances. That was what brought her to forgive him. 

She realized she was staring at the letter, clutching it like a lifeline. He was looking very anxious. “Should I not have given that to you?”

She leaned in and kissed him with all the passion she was feeling at the moment. “No, thank you for giving this to me. I was just realizing I think I forgave you a long time ago but just held on to the anger to protect myself. In those months, I never stopped to think of what you were actually going through, I just kept trying to fix you. I didn’t think that, although I didn’t understand it since it was just a game in my mind, the loss of Lacrosse was so much more. It was party of your identity, the connection to your father before he left, and your pride. You were such an incredible player to watch and going from being at the top of that athletic peak to the bottom in a second must have been extremely hard to process. I think we were both at fault in those months. I wanted you to act normal, be back to the old Peter, but I didn’t understand that you needed to work through your new reality first. Although I wish you had worked through it with less alcohol, I should have been more understanding.

Peter just stared at her. He would never understand how he was deserving of this incredible woman but he knew he would never take her for granted again. He pulled her into his arms and just hugged her, trying to express everything he was feeling toward her in that moment of calm and peace. 

She returned the hug and then pulled back slightly, looking him square in the eyes.

“That morning before your game, I was going to tell you something but we were rushed for time and then, well you know, life exploded. You are it for me Peter Kavinsky. I’ve known it for years, even through the years we weren’t together and I hated you, I knew I would never feel something so passionate or complete as I did with you. I figured one day I would meet a guy that would come close and I would just live with it. I’m glad that day never came.” She leaned up and gave him a small peck on the lips staring into his eyes, showing the depth of emotion in hers.

“I know.”

Lara Jean went to smack him, but he grabbed her hand saying, “No, I know. I was on my way back from the shower when I heard you telling Gabe. Those words stayed with me this entire time, made what I did so much worse. It was what started my spiral to be honest. Lying in that hospital bed that day, all I could think was if you were able to come back there and sit with me, it would all be ok. I could feel how much I needed you, how much you meant to me and it terrified me. Instead of embracing that, I pushed it away. I will never stop apologizing to you Lara Jean and never stop making it up to you.”

“I know one way you can start,” she said with a wink, laughing and rolling on top of him.

“There’s no one like you Covey,” he said as he leaned in for a kiss, knowing that mouth was the last mouth he would ever touch his lips to. He was never letting her go again.


	20. The Future, Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We made it. Time to wrap this up with a little Flash Forward into the future. I hope you enjoyed reading this. If you did, leave a Kudos below and comment if you would like me to empty out a few more PK & LJ stories I have swirling around up in my mind :D

Flash Forward 3 years:

She was so nervous as she readjusted the gown. She had been waiting for this day so long and it was finally here. Just as she was putting the finishing touches on her look, the door was flung open.

“Peter!” she screeched. “What are you doing in here?”

“Relax Covey, Kitty just wanted me to tell you if you don’t come down now you are going to miss the ceremony.”

“Why couldn’t she come get me herself?” she was so angry he had come in without knocking.

“She’s finishing her show, you know her. Wow Covey you look stunning.” Peter’s eyes ran the length of her body and she felt a flush creep up her face.

“Oh yeah, black sure is my color.” He stepped closer, wrapping her up in his arms.

“I am so proud of you Lara jean Covey. I can’t believe you are graduating with your master’s. You are going to change lives.” She gave him a quick peck on the lips and stepped back, fixing her hat. “You messed it up.”

He chuckled and helped her straighten it. “You look amazing, now let’s get you to graduation.”

Lara Jean and Peter linked hands and headed downstairs. Her dad was waiting by the door and frowned slightly when they walked into the room. He wasn’t quite ready to fully forgive Peter yet but Lara Jean knew he would come around. “Ready? Trina and Kitty are waiting in the car. Let’s go. Peter, are you riding with us or driving yourself?” The tone was slightly cold, implying where her dad really wanted him to be and that wasn’t with them.

“I’m driving myself Dr. Covey. I’m picking my mom and Owen up on the way. Not all of us need so much prep time to get into our robes, I’m just throwing mine on when we get there.” Lara Jean laughed and gave him one last peck on the cheek.

“I’ll see you there. And if it wasn’t clear already, I’m proud of you as well. I love you.”

“Love you too, see you there.” He kissed the top of her hat and strode off to his Jeep, waving at Kitty and Trina on the way. Kitty gave him a thumbs up and he sent her a wink. What was that about?

On the way, dad was gushing about how he always knew Lara Jean would go places and that he was so proud of her for staying focused through so much drama and upheaval in her life. Lara Jean just rolled her eyes.

“Dad, you have to get over it at some point. If I was able to forgive and understand what Peter did, then you need to as well. You are torturing him and he’s trying so hard.”

Her dad just huffed but Trina swatted him on the arm, “Seriously Dan, you act like you are perfect. The boy messed up but he’s more than made up for it. This ends now. If you can’t see how much he loves your daughter then you are a fool.”

The rest of the ride was quiet, Lara Jean looking out at the town she had grown up in passing by the windows. She didn’t know what the future held for her but she couldn’t wait to experience it with Peter at her side.

When they arrived, she said goodbye to them so they could find their seats and she went to the graduate waiting area. She immediately found Gabe and Trevor who were talking about something that had them really excited but they stopped when she was near. “Hey Largie!,” Gabe said a little too loud. She assumed they were just amped up to graduate. Trevor was visiting to watch them all graduate and had snuck in by the graduates to hang out. “Hey! Where’s Peter?”

Trevor turned to Gabe, “Remember when they weren’t together and Largie actually cared about the rest of us. Now we are just her gateway to PK again,” he said with a smile. “Just kidding Largie, calm down, he’s coming in right now.” She turned and her breath was taken away. He was sweeping toward her in his cap and gown and she had never seen him looking so good. His hair was swooping out in typical Peter style under his cap and somehow he made that gown look good in a way only Peter could.

He walked right over to her, bent down, and kissed her. “Sorry I’m late, had to take care of something.” He gave Gabe and Trevor a little nod, but didn’t say anything.

“You ready to do this?”

‘Where were you?”

“Nowhere. Looks like it’s time to line up, see you on the other side?” He gave her a huge smile, kissed her, and went to join the H-P line. She looked him through narrowed eyes, but he just flashed her his typical smile and blew her a kiss.

Throughout the ceremony, she couldn’t get this nagging feeling out of her mind that something was going on she didn’t know about. It was distracting so she tried to put it out of her mind. She and Peter were in the best place they had ever been and if it were something he needed to tell her, he would.

Peter watched her as he tried to pay attention to the ceremony but honestly he just wanted this over with to get to the more important part of the day. His palms were still sweaty from his conversation before he met up with them in the graduate room. He’s just glad the conversation went as well as it did or he might have not been able to face graduation.

Flashback 30 minutes prior:  
Peter dropped his mom and Owen off at their seats and then sought out the person he needed to talk to before he headed to the holding area. His palms were instantly sweaty as he saw Dr. Dan Covey sitting with Kitty and Trina. This conversation would have normally made him nervous but it was even worse since the last real conversation they had was when Dr. Covey was telling him to break up with Lara Jean.

“Um, excuse me Dr. Covey, can I speak with you a minute?” Peter could feel the sweat sliding down his back. Kitty gave him a look of reassurance but even she looked pale. Oh boy.

“What’s up, is something wrong with Lara Jean?” Peter didn’t want to do this here, in front of everyone, especially if the answer was what he was expecting it to be.

“Um, no, she’s fine. I just need to talk to you. Can we step out into the hallway?” He saw Trina glance between the two men and a knowing look crossed her face. 

“Dan, just go with the boy, he’s got a ceremony to attend and this looks important. And remember what I said in the car. Keep an open mind.”

Dan huffed but got out of his seat and followed Peter into the hallway. “What’s so pressing that we have to do this right now Peter?” he asked without really looking at him.

“Well Dr. Covey, I need to ask you something very important. You see, I know that our past has been rocky and I’ve made some terrible decisions when it came to my relationship with your daughter. I will never forgive myself for what I did to her during that time in our lives but somehow she did.”

“Yeah I’m not clear on how that happened either,” Dan Covey said crossing his arms. He was starting to get suspicious of this conversation.

“Well, as I said, I will never forgive myself so I’ve worked really hard the past few years to become a better person. I attend therapy once a week, I’m getting back into Lacrosse recreationally which has helped me fully process my injury, and my knee is finally back to 100% or as close as it can be. I’ve made sure that although Lara Jean and I are together that our relationship isn’t the only thing that defines her or I as I think that was our downfall. We have separate friends groups, interests, and hobbies. I’m really pushing to be the man I know I can be. Growing up I didn’t have the best example and I don’t know what I would have become if that were the only man I was exposed to. Thankfully, during a crucial time in my life, I was granted a second example to follow. Someone who put his family before himself, who loved anyone that came into that family unconditionally, and who protected those he loved fiercely.” Peter had to stop there to hold back tears. He had never voiced these words out loud to Dr. Covey, but he had to tell him now. When he glanced up at him, he noticed his eyes were rimmed with red.

“Well, that man was you. You showed be who I wanted to become. When I was at my lowest point and you showed up that day to fight for Lara Jean, you lit something inside of me. Obviously it took me a while to find it, but when I did I latched on to it. I saw it in Kitty when she didn’t give up on me. What I’m saying is, whether you realize it or not, you were the one that actually saved me from myself. You showed me what a man was supposed to be like and I thank you for that.” Peter turned away to wipe the tears out of his eyes. He really needed to hurry up; it was almost time for them to line up.

“Peter.” Dr. Covey cleared his throat. “Peter, I have always admired you. The way you carried yourself in the wake of your father leaving was a hint at the man you would become one day. It was very hard to watch you self-destructing after your injury and although my main worry was my daughter, I prayed for you as well. I am so very proud of the man you have turned out to be, even though I haven't shown it lately. Father's duty right? In all honesty, I was always rooting for you, you do love her so much. I applaud the hard work you’ve put in to bettering yourself and I know families' are going to be very lucky to have you as their counselor one day. I also know Lara Jean is going to be very lucky to have you as her husband one day.”

Peter paled. “Well that was actually my next question. Out of respect for tradition, I’d like to still ask it.”

Dan nodded at him.

“Dr. Covey, I’d like to ask your permission to ask Lara Jean to marry me.”

Dr. Covey’s eyes filled with tears. “Yes, you have it but son, just remember, she’s the only one that can truly give you that permission. Oh and please, call me Dan.”

He wrapped Peter up into his arms and hugged him with everything he had. He may have been holding a grudge against him for his poor choices but he loved this boy very much.

“Now I understand why Kitty was badgering me to bring this today, she told me I would understand in the moment and that moment is now. I think this is for you.” He pulled a box from his pocket and sighed heavily. “Over 20 years ago, I slipped this onto the finger of the most important woman in my life and now I pass it on to you. Take good care of her.”

Peter’s eyes filled with tears at the understanding of what he was being given. He opened the box to find a beautiful ring with delicate sterling silver metal wound around three stones, a diamond in the middle with two sapphires on the either side. “Kitty, always the meddler. She knew I hadn’t gotten a chance to get a ring yet and told me not to worry about it. Gosh I love that kid.”

“Don’t we all,” Dan said with misty eyes. He took one deep breath, clapped Peter on the shoulder and said, “Welcome to the family. Now get going or you are going to miss your own graduation.”

Peter hugged him back, shook his hand, and took off running toward the holding area. When he stepped inside, he saw her. She took his breath away, standing with Gabe and Trevor. He quickly wiped his eyes, straightened his hat and sauntered over to them. Gabe and Trevor glanced at him as he approached and he gave them the slightest of nods.

Real Time  
Peter cheered so loudly when Lara Jean crossed the stage it drowned everyone else out. She met his eyes as she moved her tassel and her face hurt from smiling. As she returned to her seat, she saw her family standing and cheering for her as well and knew she would remember this day for the rest of her life. Soon it was Peter’s turn to cross the stage and he did it with a grace only Peter Kavinsky could pull off. Clearly flirting with the older female professor handing out diplomas, he got her laughing as he passed her by. Lara Jean stood up on her chair and whooped as loud as she could for him. He turned to her just before he flipped his own tassel, he blew her a kiss. As she was climbing down, she noticed her family standing for him as well, her dad clapping louder than the others. Her heart was bursting with happiness.

After the ceremony, they gathered together with Peter’s mom and Owen for pictures and had plans to meet up for a meal. They took so many pictures she didn’t think she could smile another minute. As they were heading toward their cars, Peter grabbed her hand and pulled her in a different direction. “We will meet you guys there.” Before Lara Jean could say anything, he was dragging her toward his Jeep.

“We just have one more stop before the restaurant,” he said, pulling out of the parking lot. He wound through the streets and she found herself in the parking lot of their old high school.

“Peter what is going on?” she was so confused. He was pulling his graduation gown off and gesturing for her to do the same. She slipped out of it and set it into the Jeep. She was wearing a bright red dress, similar to the one she had worn to her first date so many years ago with him. He said it was his favorite color on her. He reached out for her hand and as she placed hers in his, she noticed how sweaty his was.

He led her onto the track, into the exact spot that she had jumped him all those years ago.

He turned to look at her and said, “Lara Jean” and she burst into tears. She knew what he was doing.

“Hey now, just hold on, let me say what I have to say first!” She laughed and wiped away the tears.

“Ok, I’m ready I think.” She beamed at him as a fresh set of tears filled her eyes. She saw him fidgeting and knew he was nervous. “If it helps, I’m going to say yes.”

He looked up and beamed at her, “That helps a lot actually, ok here goes.” He gingerly bent down to one knee. “Peter, you don’t have to do that, I know how much that hurts you.”

“Covey, I’m doing this the right way.” He crinkled his nose at her in her most favorite smile ever and continued.

“Lara Jean. In this very spot, my life was set on a different course. Since my dad had left us I was struggling. Struggling to figure out who I wanted to be, struggling to find my place in the world, and struggling to be loved. I accepted any form that I could get. Until that day that letter came to my house. When I read that, I realized, that was what I wanted. I wanted a love that was so pure and magical as what was written on that page. I wanted someone to think of me the way your 6th grade self thought of me. Through our many ups and downs, one thing stayed constant, and that was how you made me feel. Loved. Complete. Whole. I realized early on into our fake dating that I had never felt that way before. You changed my life. You showed me who I wanted to be and how to become that person. You challenged me and pushed me past my comfort zone. You are the reason I am standing here today, with a masters degree and the whole world at my feet. Although I didn’t always respect what you have given me, I now know I can’t live without it. I know I am truly blessed to be allowed to walk beside you in life and I hope that you feel the same. I want a future with you. So, Lara Jean Song-Covey, will you marry me?”

She couldn’t really see him from all the tears streaming down her face and she sobbed harder when he used her full name. Unable to speak, she nodded her head yes. He pulled himself up, stepped toward her, and wrapped her up into a kiss filled with all the love they shared for each other.

She was pulled from the moment by loud cheering and hollering. She peeked over Peter’s shoulder to see her whole family, Peter’s family, Gabe, and Trevor standing there cheering and clapping. Kitty was recording the whole thing and her dad was snapping pictures. Peter stepped back and pulled a box out of his pocket.

As he opened the box, he heard Lara Jean gasp and glance toward her father. Peter looked over his shoulder to see Dr. Dan Covey, tears streaming down his face, blowing his daughter a kiss.

“This is my mom’s.” Lara Jean’s hands were shaking.

“I know. You can thank your sister for meddling.” Lara Jean glanced up at her and Kitty was beaming with a huge smile. She mouthed ‘I love you’ to Lara Jean and waved her back at Peter. “Pay attention, this part is important!” she yelled.

Lara Jean chuckled and turned back to Peter. She could see he was holding his breath. She reached out and squeezed his hand and he smiled up at her. 

He pulled the ring out of the box, picked up her left hand, and slid the ring onto her finger. As he moved it into place, she felt her whole world shift and settle where it was supposed to be. She had never been so happy and knew this was just the start. She leaned up and kissed him.

“My first and my last,” she murmured against his lips. When she pulled away, she felt him wrap his hand around hers with the ring on it.

“I love you Lara Jean.” They walked over to the family and were immediately wrapped up in hugs and celebrations. Kitty made them do an awkward ring pose to show it off and immediately added it to Lara Jean's Instagram so Peter wouldn't whine. #Baemadeitofficial. Chris was the first one to comment OMGGGGG! and soon after, Gen. "I'm so happy for you guys. We should get together sometime."

Lara Jean’s dad pulled her to the side once people settled in for the picnic lunch Kitty had planned. “I just want to say that I’m glad you didn’t listen to your old man and stay away from him. You two make quite the couple and I’m so glad you have each other. Your mom would be so proud of you and I know she is looking down on you right now. I love you sweetie.” She wrapped him up into a big hug. “I love you too daddy.”

They joined the rest of the group and as she settled in next to Peter, looking around at the family that that been created out of their love, she couldn’t imagine any place she’d rather be.


End file.
